Addicted

*****

Casey drove us to the nearest shopping center and waited ten minutes for someone to pull out of one of the front parking spots. I bit my tongue, but wanted to berate her for sitting there for so damn long when we could have already gone in and been back out.

"Are your legs hurting?" I asked as we got out of the car.

She smoothed down her short blonde hair and gave me a cheeky grin. "Not yet, but they will be next Saturday. Open 24-7."

I shook my head as we walked into the store. "You're corrupt."

"You love it. I'm your fixer-upper project." She elbowed me.

I started to respond, but noticed the way her face fell as she glanced just beyond me to someone else. Her voice was curt as she stopped me from turning, her fingers biting as she pulled at my arms.

"Hey. Let's just go this way."

I had no doubt who was behind me. My luck never held up for too terribly long. There was a moment where I contemplated following her advice, as I did most days of my life, but I couldn't seem to shake the need to turn around.

"I'm good. Really." I turned and met eyes with him, the boy I'd given my heart to, my virginity, my future.

He waved once as he moved up in the checkout line he was in and reached for a busty blonde, pulling her against him and laughing at something she'd said. His jeans fit him beautifully, his broad shoulders almost stretching the thick t-shirt he wore. To say he looked good would be a vast understatement. Jackson was the all-American boy with dark brown hair, warm brown eyes, and a way about him that made almost anyone melt – especially me.

Turning on my heel, I walked down the nearest aisle as languidly as I could. Why of all the people in the whole world to run into, did I have to run into him? He should have been gone on his own spring break trip. In all the years we'd been together, I'd never known Jackson to not have a huge trip planned for mid-March. What was he doing still in New York?

Casey was speaking rapidly under her breath, but all I could hear was the rushing of my own blood by my ears as my body lit on fire and anger burned up the center of my chest.

How could he be with someone already?

He was with someone when we were together, so him being with someone now that we're not shouldn't have been that surprising.

"Vivian. He's not worth it." Casey moved in front of me, and I hadn't realized that I'd stopped in the middle of the paper goods aisle and bent over, my hands pressing to my knees. Air was hard to find and the agony that pumped through my chest was unable to be ignored.

"No?" I whispered and sucked in a shaky breath. "Why does it hurt so fucking bad still?"

She ran her hand over my back rhythmically as she bent down to put her face beside mine. "Because losing someone that you plan to spend forever with is like a small death."

The sound of his voice behind us caused my blood to run cold. "Viv. You alright?"

I stood and brushed my hands down the side of my hair before turning and crossing my arms over my chest. "Sorry? Did you say something?"

His expression was almost caring, kind, loving. He watched me like he actually wanted to know how I was, as if he cared at all. "I just wanted to check on you. I saw you run for the aisle and–”

"Running? I didn't run." I moved toward him as my nervous system shot into overdrive. It was all gone. All the nights of having him make love to me then wrap his big strong body around me. All the promises, the dreams, the future. Gone.

"You did, but it's whatever. You're good?" His eyes moved down the length of me. "You look good. Really good."

"Fuck you." I couldn't pull the words back as they left my lips. I didn't want him to know that I was still swimming around in self-pity, that I was crushed by his decision to cheat on me over and over again. He had no right to stand there and look at me as if I was the woman he wanted in his life. He'd chosen everyone over me. He could sit on it and rotate.

He lifted his hands into the air and took a step back. "Whoa there. Okay. Sorry. Just wanted to–”

"Well don't. Go trip over something and bust your teeth, you jackal." Casey's words were biting and filled with venom. She moved around me to stand between us, her shoulders stiff and body posed aggressively toward Jackson. "She's not upset about you. Something happened back home. Go away, Jackson. It's none of your concern anymore."

He ignored my best friend and tilted his head to the side, reminding me of so much more than I was capable of handling in that moment. "Your momma okay? Everyone at home?"

I turned and walked down the aisle toward the back of the store to the bathroom, leaving Casey to rip into the man that was supposed to be my best friend forever. Now there was nothing left but small pieces of my dreams to pick up. It wasn't just the loss of my tomorrows that hurt so damn bad, but more so the questioning of my worth. If Jackson was willing to sleep with another woman, then surely I played some part in making that happen. I wasn't good enough or pretty enough or wild enough in bed.

It couldn't have just been him, and if it wasn't just him, then it was me too.

If he knew every part of me and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, why would anyone else?