Rock Star Returns: Carlie's Story (Access All Areas 2)

"No, I have to drive back."

He nodded and took another swig. "Thanks for coming out here with me, Carls. I wanted to do it and didn't think I could handle it on my own. I'll probably never come back here. Not to this room, not to this town."

The light flickered again and I held my breath, waiting for the globe to blow. It didn't.

"That's what friends are for. Even screwed up friends. Who else are you going to call on for something like this?"

He grinned, knowing it was true.

"We went wrong, Carlie, we went really wrong. All I ever wanted was for things to stay simple between us. I had a dream to chase and I put that before you. Do you have any idea how much that kills me? Every single day."

I sat down beside him. "It kills me too, Holden. We were so young."

Then nothing, just the gulp of whiskey going down his throat.

I put my arm around him. I wasn't sure what he was trying to say but he was having a hard time saying it.

"No matter what I do, how high I climb, I can't win. You said to stop running but how can I do that? If I stop fighting, I have to admit that I'm just like them. I'm no good. I've never been any good. The only time I was anything more was when you were with me."

Holy fuck, what did I say to that?

He slumped over, his head in his hands. The night was so quiet, you could hear the noise of the King family from across the valley.

"What I did, it was wrong. I knew it was wrong at the time. I don't know why I did it. I never cared about anyone but you. I wanted you, only you. But it was too much for me. I'd been treated like shit all my life. No one in this town would ever give me the time of day. I was low-class scum. You were the only one who ever treated me like a human being."

He stopped to stare at the wall opposite. The old

stereo still sat there. Too old for anyone to even bother about taking. He got up and turned it on. The old Johnny Cash CD played.

"When we got to the city, I thought you were pushing me away.” He pushed his fingers through his hair. “You seemed to hate me. I didn't know what to do. And then there were all these women. Women who'd have never looked at me before. They threw themselves at me. I can see now why you'd get angry."

“I never hated you. I hated myself.” There, I’d said it. The words were out and my stomach sunk as though the world would end by me saying them, but the world doesn’t end that easily. The building didn’t even collapse, it just creaked a little in the wind.

“It was only the once.” His voice cracked as he said it.

I wanted to argue but I knew it was the truth as soon as he said it.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“I’m sorry too.”

He took another swig then put the bottle down and gave a dry crackling laugh.

"He wasn't much of a dad to me but I had to be here. I don't even know why. I can't escape them, can I?"

"You're not like them," I said. "They've never shown a bit of remorse for anything they've done."

"The old man did. At the end. I found out this arvo. I went over there, to Jacko's farm. You told me I had to stop running and I did. I went there to face them all. I didn't know how they'd react to me and — this is bloody stupid — but I wondered if I'd demonized them in my mind. That they weren't as bad as I'd made them out to be."

He shook as he said it. I wanted to hold him tight but I wasn't sure if I should.

"They were even worse than I remembered. All of them, sitting around the fire, drunk and fighting. Only a few of them talked to me and that was to hit me up for money. I wondered how much of the booze they were drinking was stolen. A couple of kids were screaming for their dinner but no one paid them any mind. Mum was with some other bloke and Dad's not even in the ground yet.”

“Was Tommy there?”

He shook his head. “He’s got a job driving trucks. Had enough sense to leave town. Then I found out what happened. Old Aunty Mary told me. She was the only one sober enough to talk sense. Uncle Jacko was at it again, with some young girl. Seems Dad caught him at it and pulled him off her. Told her to run home. Jacko didn't take kindly to that and a fight broke out. They were at each other for weeks over it, then one day Jacko came over, drunk off his head, of course. He had a gun.”

Holden stared at the wall. I couldn’t push him to continue. He needed to find the words.