Eleven on Top (Stephanie Plum 11)

“I imagine that's the glob of something stuck in your hair?”

“No. He spit on my shoe. Is there something in my hair?” Lula gave an involuntary shiver.

“Sounds like a normal day,” Connie said. “Hard to believe you're quitting because of Melon-head.”

Truth is, I don't exactly know why I was quitting. My stomach feels icky when I get up in the morning. And I go to bed at night wondering where my life is heading. I've been working as a bounty hunter for a while now and I'm not the world's best. I barely make enough money to cover my rent each month.

I've been stalked by crazed killers, taunted by naked fat men, firebombed, shot at, spat at, cussed at, chased by humping dogs, attacked by a flock of Canadian honkers, rolled in garbage, and my cars get destroyed at an alarming rate. And maybe the two men in my life add to the icky feeling in my stomach. They're both Mr. Right. And they're both Mr. Wrong. They're both a little scary. I wasn't sure if I wanted a relationship with either of them. And I hadn't a clue how to choose between them. One wanted to marry me, sometimes. His name was Joe Morelli and he was a Trenton cop. Ranger was the other guy, and I wasn't sure what he wanted to do with me beyond get me naked and put a smile on my face.

Plus, there was the note that got slipped under my door two days ago. I'm back. What the heck did that mean? And the follow-up note tacked to my windshield.

DID YOU THINK I WAS DEAD?

My life is too weird. It's time for a change. Time to get a more sensible job and sort out my future.

Connie and Lula shifted their attention from me to the front door. The bonds office is located on Hamilton Avenue. It's a small two-room storefront setup with a cluttered storage area in the back, behind a bank of file cabinets. I didn't hear the door open. And I didn't hear footsteps. So either Connie and Lula were hallucinating or else Ranger was in the room.

Ranger is the mystery man. He's a half head taller than me, moves like a cat, kicks ass all day long, only wears black, smells warm and sexy, and is percent pure perfectly toned muscle. He gets his dark complexion and liquid brown eyes from Cuban ancestors. He was Special Forces, and that's about all anyone knows about Ranger.

Well hell, when you smell that good and look that good who cares about anything else, anyway?

I can usually feel Ranger standing behind me. Ranger doesn't ordinarily leave any space between us. Today, Ranger was keeping his distance. He reached around me and dropped a file and a body receipt on Connie's desk.

“I brought Angel Robbie in last night,” he said to Connie. “You can mail the check to Rangeman.”

Rangeman is Ranger's company. It's located in an office building in center city and specializes in security systems and fugitive apprehension.

“I got big news,” Lula said to Ranger. “I've been promoted to bounty hunter on account of Stephanie just quit.”

Ranger picked a couple strands of sauerkraut off my shirt and pitched them into Connie's wastebasket. “Is that true?”

“Yes,” I said. “I quit. I'm done fighting crime. I've rolled in garbage for the last time.”

“Hard to believe,” Ranger said.

“I'm thinking of getting a job at the button factory,” I told him. “I hear they're hiring.”

“I don't have a lot of domestic instincts,” Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob of goo in my hair, “but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down.”

I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file.

“I appreciate the offer,” I told him. “Maybe some other time.”

“Babe,” Ranger said on a smile. He nodded to Lula and Connie and left the office.

No one said anything until he drove off in his shiny black Porsche Turbo.

“I think I wet my pants,” Lula said. “Was that one of them double entendres?”

I drove back to my apartment, took a shower all by myself, and got dressed up in a stretchy white tank top and a tailored black suit with a short skirt.

I stepped into four-inch black heels, fluffed up my almost shoulder-len

gth curly brown hair, and added one last layer to my mascara and lipstick.

I'd taken a couple minutes to print out a resume on my computer. It was pathetically short. Graduated with mediocre grades from Douglass College. Worked as a lingerie buyer for a cheap department store for a bunch of years. Got fired. Tracked down scumbags for my cousin Vinnie. Seeking management position in a classy company. Of course, this was Jersey and classy here might not be the national standard.

I grabbed my big black leather shoulder bag and yelled good-bye to my roomie, Rex-the-hamster. Rex lives in a glass aquarium on the kitchen counter. Rex is pretty much nocturnal so we're sort of like ships passing in the night. As an extra treat, once in a while I drop a Cheez Doodle into his cage and he emerges from his soup can home to retrieve the Doodle. That's about as complicated as our relationship gets.