Plum Lovin' (Stephanie Plum 12.50)

“Sexy, hunh?” Grandma said.

“She had her lips plumped up,” my mother said. “She went to some idiot doctor and had herself injected.”

“An nex eek I'n gettin' ass inlans,” Grandma said. “No ore saggy ass for ee.”

“Ass implants are serious,” I told her. “You might not want to do that.”

“Ere's a sale on inlans nex eek,” Grandma said. “I hade ta niss a sale.”

"Yes, but implants have to be incredibly painful. You won't be able to sit. Why don't we just find a sale on shoes?

We can go to Macy's and then have lunch in the food court."

“Okay,” Grandma said. “At sounds like un.”

My mother took the lasagna and I took the red sauce and Grandma took a basket of bread to the table. Everyone seated themselves and dug in.

Grandma Mazur took some lasagna and poured herself a glass of red wine. She forked some lasagna into her mouth and took a sip of wine and everything fell out of her mouth, onto her lap.

Bob rushed over and ate the food off Grandmas lap, and then settled himself back under the table, ever alert.

“Ny lith are oo ig,” she said. “Dey don ork.”

My mother jumped up and returned with a straw for Grandma and a tumbler of booze for herself.

My father had his head bent over his lasagna. “Just shoot me,” he said.

“I like lasagna,” Albert Kloughn said. “It stays on your plate. And if you don't use too much red sauce, hardly any gets on your shirt.”

Kloughn was a struggling lawyer who got his degree from the Acme School of Law in Barbados. He was a nice guy, but he was as soft as a fresh nuked dinner roll, and his upper lip broke out into a sweat when he got nervous… which was a lot.

“How's the law business?” I asked him.

“It's good. I even have a couple clients. Okay, one eventually died, but that happens sometimes, right?”

“And hows the new house?”

“It's working out real good. It's a lot better than living with my mother.”

“And what about getting married?”

Kloughn turned white, farted, and fell off his chair in a faint.

Diesel got up and dragged Kloughn to his feet and sat him back in his chair. “Take a deep breath,” Diesel said to Kloughn.

“How embarrassing,” Kloughn said.

“Dude,” Diesel said, “everyone feels like that about marriage. Get over it.”

“Poor snuggle uggums,” Valerie said, spoon-feeding Kloughn some noodles. “Did him hurt himself?”

Diesel draped an arm across my shoulders and put his mouth to my ear. “We definitely want to go with the stun gun. In fact, I think we should stun-gun both of them.”

“Maybe you can get Albert to take a walk with you after dinner, and you can talk to him. He got in touch with Annie and asked for help, so he's obviously motivated.”

“That would be high on the list of things I don't want to do. Second only to getting zapped by Beaner.”

“About Beaner… just exactly what is it that happens when he zaps someone?”