Plum Lovin' (Stephanie Plum 12.50)

“Bernie didn't used to snore and then one day there it was… he was a snorer.”

“Aren't there things you can do about snoring?”

“He refuses to believe he snores. He says I'm making a big thing of it, but he wakes me up all night long. I'm always tired. And if I go sleep in the guest room, he gets mad. He says married people should sleep together. So, the hell with him, I'm filing for divorce.”

“He thinks this is about talking and sex.”

“Of course it's about talking. Talking about snoring! It's not like I wanted to have big touchy-feely discussions with Bernie. It's not like I asked him to join a book group or something. I just wanted him to listen to me. When I say I can't sleep, I mean I can't sleep]”

“And what about the sex?”

“I threw that in as a bonus. I figured, what the heck, if I was going to complain I might as well do it right.”

Betty circled an ad in the paper with the red pen. “Here's one I bet I could do. They're looking for tollbooth money collectors on the Turnpike.”

“Have you thought about counseling?”

“Are you kidding? Do you think a man who won't admit to snoring is going to sign up for counseling? I even tried recording him. He said it was a trick. He said it for sure wasn't him.”

“If I could get Bernie to admit to snoring, would you take him back?”

“I don't know. I'm getting used to being alone. The house is nice and quiet. And I get to watch whatever I want on television. Of course, it was a real pain to have to shovel the walk when it snowed.”

“This looks like a three-bedroom house. Suppose I could get you your own room with your own television for those nights when Bernie snores? And suppose I could throw in better sex? I don't know firsthand, but I suspect Diesel knows what he's doing. I could get him to talk to Bernie.”

This got both of us smiling. Diesel and Bernie discussing sex. Worth the price of a ticket right there.

I decided to take the Pleasure Treasure bag to Jeanine while I was in sex-help mode, so I called and told her I was on my way over.

“Thank goodness,” Jeanine said. “I have a date tonight. I was afraid I was going to have to fake an appendicitis attack.”

Twenty minutes later, I was at her door.

“Here it is,” I said, shoving the bag at her. “Everything you need to know about sex… I think.”

Jeanine looked inside. “What is all this?”

“You've got a beginner's-guide-to-sex book. And a video that I've never actually seen but Diesel thought looked hot. And then there are some oils. Directions are included. Assorted condoms. And the salesclerk threw in a vibrating penis as a bonus.”

Jeanine pulled the penis out of the bag. “Eeeuuw.”

I agreed. It wasn't the most attractive penis I'd ever seen. But then maybe it wasn't a fair comparison because lately I'd seen some top-of-the-line equipment.

“It was free,” I said by way of apology.

Jeanine paged through the book. “This looks helpful. I always wanted to buy a book like this but could never get up the nerve.”

“I thought you could read the book, and then if you have questions you can call me, and I'll try to answer them.”

“Maybe I should start with the movie,” she said. “Do you want to watch it with me?”

“Think I'll pass. My experience with these movies is that they're made for men and mostly show a lot of boob.”

“That would be disappointing,” Jeanine said. “I can see that in the locker room at the gym.” She peeled a sticky strip off the front cover and gasped. “Holy cow.”

I looked over her shoulder. “Double holy cow.”

“It's a man,” Jeanine said. “And he's naked. I haven't seen a lot of men, so I'm no expert, but I didn't think they came this big.”