Explosive Eighteen (Stephanie Plum 18)
I searched my bag.
“What’s that pink stuff in there?” Lula said. “It looks like Pepto.”
“It’s the stuff Annie Hart gave me.”
Lula reached in and took the bottle. “Whatever.
” She chugged it down and burped. “Oh yeah, that’s better.”
My eyes were wide and my mouth was open.
“What?” Lula asked.
“You drank the stuff Annie gave me. I have no idea what was in it. The woman is a kook. She makes love potions. For all I know, you just drank yak eyes and buffalo piss.”
“It didn’t look like buffalo piss,” Lula said. “It was a pretty pink color. How do those love potions work?”
“I don’t know.”
“Like, do they make you have love at first sight? Because I like that idea. There’s not enough romance in the world. I always said that when I was a ’ho. I always threw in some romance for free if the customer wanted. And some of those customers didn’t inspire romance, if you know what I mean. Like take Buggy, for instance. He’s kinda cute.”
Buggy’s eyes were half open, he was drooling, and he farted.
“He’s a bridge troll,” I said.
“Yeah, but I just drank a love potion, so I could be excused for havin’ bad taste. And besides, bridge trolls are in now. What about Shrek? Everybody loves Shrek. Remember when he blew bubbles in the bathtub? He was adorable.”
“He was a cartoon.”
“I’m feeling warm,” Lula said. “It might be on account of I sort of had a romantic experience just now with Mr. Cutie Pie here. And much as I hate to admit this, my love life has been a barren wasteland for at least a week.”
I was going to pretend I didn’t hear that. I was going with the assumption there was grain alcohol in the pink stuff. I jumped down, closed the tailgate, and got behind the wheel. I had no confidence that I could drag Mr. Cutie Pie across the street and into the municipal building if I parked in the lot, so I drove to the police station drop-off and asked for help.
• • •
Vinnie was in the office when Lula and I returned.
“I just brought Lewis Bugkowski in,” I said to Vinnie.
“He already called,” Vinnie said. “He wants to get bonded out again, but he has no one to post the bond. His parents won’t put up any more money. They said it’s bad enough they have to feed him.”
Lula’s hand shot up. “I’ll do it. I’ll post the bond. Let me do it.”
“That’s a shame,” Connie said. “She was clean for so long.”
“It’s not drugs,” I said. “She’s developed this weird attachment to Buggy.”
“He’s adorable,” Lula said. “Like Shrek. I could just love him to pieces.”
“That’s wrong,” Connie said. “That’s very, very wrong.”
“I’m all excited,” Lula said. “I’m getting my first bondee. It’s like going to the animal shelter and adopting a kitten.”
“This isn’t a good idea,” Connie said. “Buggy isn’t a kitten. Buggy is a …”
“Dullard?” I suggested. “Slackard, village idiot, leach on society, clod, brute, oaf, dumb ox, not to mention purse snatcher and car thief?”
“You be careful what you say about my honey,” Lula said. “And makin’ him my bondee is a perfectly good idea. I got a right to adopt a felon. I’m gonna take care of him, too.”