Takedown Twenty (Stephanie Plum 20)

FIFTEEN

THE BONDS OFFICE is open for half a day on Saturday, but the truth is the bonds office never really shuts down. People need to get bonded out on Saturday night and Sunday afternoon, and Vinnie and Connie take the calls on their cellphones. My job is even more unstructured. I get paid when I catch someone, so I’m always looking. The day of the week doesn’t matter to me.

I parked at the curb just as Connie was unlocking the front door. We went inside, and I got coffee brewing.

“Ranger and I went looking for Sunny last night, but we couldn’t find him,” I told Connie. “He wasn’t with Rita.”

“He just took a load of buckshot. He’s probably sitting on a rubber donut somewhere, eating comfort food. Find a nurturing relative.”

“Anything new come in for me?”

“Billie Jean Bailey skipped out. I called her mom, and she said Billie Jean followed her boyfriend to Florida. It was a shoplifting charge and not worth a trip south. You can keep it in your bag for when Billie Jean has a fight with the boyfriend and comes home. And the other one to come in is a bad one. Armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon. Nineteen years old. His file photo shows gang tattoos. He gave Stark Street as his address, but it’s an apartment in someone else’s name. Probably this kid shuffles around.”

I took both files and shoved them into my messenger bag. “I’m going to mooch breakfast from my mom. Have Lula call me when she comes in.”

I left the office and drove the short distance to my parents’ house. I parked in the driveway, got out of the car, and almost had an orgasm from the aroma of bacon frying. The smell was positively oozing out of the house.

“We got bacon and pancakes going this morning,” Grandma said, opening the door for me. “Your mother got a new griddle, and we had to test it out. You’re just in time.”

I took a seat at the kitchen table and set my bag on the floor. “Where’s Dad?”

“He’s off to help your sister unplug a toilet,” Grandma said.

My mother gave me a plate heaped with pancakes and bacon, and my grandmother brought a mug and the coffeepot to the table. I added butter and syrup and dug in.

“How’d the date go?” I asked Grandma. “Sorry I missed your message.”

“It went real good. We went to the movies and then we stopped at the diner for pie. He even paid for it. And he told me all about when he was in the Army, and how his gallbladder almost burst last year, and how he only has four toes on one foot. Can you imagine?”

At the risk of being politically incorrect and an insensitive idiot, I thought four toes on one foot when coupled with the flab belly, wheezing and sweating, and zombie complexion might significantly lower his hotness rating for me.

“Gee,” I said. “That’s different.”

“Yeah,” Grandma said. “Good thing he has a car. It makes up for a lot of deformity.”

“There’s going to be a viewing tonight for Rose Walchek,” I said to Grandma. “Do you want to go with me?”

“I already promised Gordon I’d go with him. He’s picking me up early, so we get a seat with a view of the casket. And then we’re going out after. They’re having a wine tasting at the liquor store. You get to try all the wines for free.”

“You shouldn’t be drinking with him,” my mother said. “I don’t trust him.”

“He was a perfect gentleman last night,” Grandma said. “He didn’t cuss or pass gas or nothing.”

“How about you?” I asked Grandma. “Did you do any of those things?”

“I might have slipped one out in the movie,” Grandma said, “but I don’t think anyone noticed.”

I was on my last piece of bacon when Lula called.

“I’m at the office,” she said. “Do we have anything to do today?”

“We could track down a gang guy wanted for armed robbery and assault.”

“That sounds like a lot of fun, but I might have to pass on account of I don’t want to die right now.”

“We could visit some of Sunny’s relatives and ask if he’s staying with them.”

“Ditto for the above reason.”