Hardcore Twenty-Four (Stephanie Plum 24)

“Yeah, we keep shooing them, but they keep coming back and pecking at the roof. I imagine you might have a few dents up there.”

We got out of the Firebird and stood looking at the vultures.

“You want me to shoot them?” Lula asked.

“No.”

I crept closer and looked inside.

“Omigod!” I said, clapping a hand over my mouth, holding my breath.

“It’s like you exploded that sucker in a microwave, right? It’s like when you forget to put the top on the blender. It’s like projectile vomit from something possessed.”

I bit into my lower lip to keep from whimpering. “Do you think it’s totaled?”

“Not in the traditional sense of being flattened by a garbage truck or being run off a bridge into the Delaware, but in the sense that no one is gonna want to drive it . . . hell, yeah.”

I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself. I’d destroyed yet another of Ranger’s cars. And there was a bet riding on this. Double or nothing. I was in a relationship with Morelli, and I owed Ranger two nights. What was I thinking?

I called Ranger, and he answered with the usual “Babe.”

“Bad news,” I said. “It’s about your Lexus.”

“One of my patrol cars drove by it an hour ago and said it was being circled by vultures.”

“There was an unfortunate incident with a dead groundhog.”

“I didn’t see that one coming,” Ranger said. “How bad is it?”

“There are vultures circling. How bad do you think it is?”

Silence.

“You’re laughing again, aren’t you?” I asked him.

“Do I need to send someone in a hazmat suit?”

“Yes.”

“Do you need another car? I’m running a tab.”

“No. I don’t need another car. I’m going to get Big Blue.”

“Let me know if you change your mind.”

Big Blue is a 1953 blue and white Buick Roadmaster in prime condition. My grandmother inherited it, and it now sits in my parents’ garage and is available to borrow. It drives like a tank, and while some might think old cars are cool, I feel like an idiot in it. That said, it’s free and comes with no strings attached.

“What’s the plan?” Lula asked.

“Ranger is going to take care of the Lexus. I’m going to borrow Big Blue.”

“I’ll give you a ride. Then I’m going to get my nails done. I like my nails to be looking good. I get a chip in my nail varnish, and my juju goes in the dumper.”

NINETEEN

GRANDMA OPENED THE door when I stepped onto the front porch. “We’re done with lunch,” she said, “but I can fix you a sandwich if you’re hungry.”

“Thanks. I’ve already eaten.” Three Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, two Snickers bars, and a bag of M&M’s. “I thought you had a date with Willie Kuber.”