Look Alive Twenty-Five (Stephanie Plum 25)

“Not until we find Hal,” Ranger said. “And it’s not that bad. Stretch makes an effort to keep things clean, but it’s an old building in a rat-infested neighborhood.”

I switched all the lights on, and Raymond walked in.

“I would not be here on a Sunday if I could find someone to sell me a green card,” Raymond said. “I would find work at a superior establishment.”

“I thought you had a green card, but you lost it,” I said.

“Yes. That is what I meant. I lost my green card and I cannot find someone to sell me another. Soon I fear I will not even be able to buy the recreational drugs that are flowing freely from Mexico. I will pay much more for them when they must come from Colorado.”

Stretch ambled through the door. “Sorry I’m late,” he said. “I had a hard time convincing myself to come to work.”

“That is exactly my point of view,” Raymond said.

A little before five Lula and Ella arrived.

“I was torn between being an Internet sensation and taking a day off from the limelight today,” Lula said. “Being a celebrity has its downsides. I can’t be a bitch without it showing up on somebody’s Twitter feed. What’s with that? Maybe I was tired of standing in line at the checkout while some moron couldn’t figure out how to find a barcode.”

“So, you decided to be an Internet sensation anyway?” I said.

“Hell, no. I’m in my looking-normal clothes.”

“They have a lot of sequins, and your hair is purple and green,” I said.

“Yeah, but the sequins are on a tank top. That’s like dressing down. It’s not even like I’m wearing my going-to-church clothes.”

“You go to church?”

“Hell, yes. You go to hell if you don’t g

o to church. Everybody knows that. I’ve been born again a bunch of times. I don’t take no chances. I believe in getting saved. I’m like a big Jesus fan.”

“I’m sort of a Catholic.”

“That’s okay,” Lula said. “It’s not as good as being a Baptist, but it’s better than nothing. Us Baptists got better music. We got a relationship with Jesus on account of he gets down with us.”

“I have heard this,” Raymond said. “I personally am Hindu on occasion, but I have heard Jesus is a cool dude.”

* * *

¦ ¦ ¦

Customers began straggling in around six o’clock. Not the numbers we’d seen for the last two days, but the tables and booths were filled. We’d recorded a message that the deli was no longer taking phone orders, so Lula was able to help wait tables.

“I got a number eighteen up,” Stretch yelled.

“Not me,” I said.

“Not me neither,” Lula said.

Stretch leaned out, over the counter. “This looks like Lula writing.”

“Yeah, but I don’t need a number eighteen,” Lula said. “I need a number sixteen.”

“You wrote eighteen,” Stretch said.

“I wrote sixteen,” Lula said. “You need glasses.”

“You need to learn to write,” Stretch said.