Hold On to Me

Crawling up her body, John placed his elbows next to her shoulders putting some of his weight on her. “Honey, what are the tears for? Am I hurting you?”

Alyssa’s jaw quivered as tears began forming in her eyes. She told no one what she was about to tell John, not even the nurses in the hospital. She was scared and embarrassed. Taking a deep breath, she wrapped her arms around John’s back and held on to him. She latched onto his strength and used it to get it all out.

“He was livid, I had never seen him so angry before. It was right after he was arrested and the first time I was truly terrified because my stomach was growing bigger and I didn’t know what he was capable of anymore. Ben went absolutely insane the moment I walked into the house. I had no idea he would be there. H

e was breathing so hard that I was scared for my life and my unborn baby’s life. He just kept yelling and screaming at me, calling me names for having him arrested, saying I was trying to take his son away from him. He said he wouldn’t allow it. He raised his fist and struck the first hit he had in a long time.”

A cold shiver flitted across her arms as she remembered that dreadful day. John noticed and pulled the comforter over them. While the heat of the moment was gone, she had never felt so safe in all her life. John on top of her, his body nestled between her legs and his arms circling her head listening to everything she was saying.

“He hit me so hard I saw stars. I couldn’t believe it. I thought he was better because he hadn’t hit me in months, but I guess I should’ve expected it since I had him arrested. I thought he was through with that phase, but apparently he wasn’t. And I was too stupid and naive to think he could get better on his own.

“When I looked up, I was about to yell for him to stop but then I feared he’d go after my belly knowing it was the one thing that would break me. So I took the next hit, and the next, and the next until I was on the floor where he began kicking my ribs and back. All I could think of was my baby and protecting my stomach, so I took each blow. I didn’t cry out, but I couldn’t stop the tears. My body ached all over. I was in so much pain, but I dealt with it. He grabbed me by the hair and dragged me into the bedroom and threw me to the floor. Then he shut the door and locked it. My blood ran cold because I didn’t know why he needed to close and lock the door. No one was in the house but us.”

Tears streamed down the side of her face and John wiped them away. The next part was going to be hard to confess to John. She was scared of his reaction and what he’d do. She didn’t want him to leave, but she couldn’t imagine him staying either. She thought she could go through with sex again, but that just wasn’t the case. Mentally, she wasn’t ready like her body was.

“I … I don’t think I should keep going. You’re not going to like what I have to say.”

“Alyssa, sweetheart, I told you, I’m not going anywhere. I want to hear it all, don’t be afraid to tell me, please. Remember, I’m here for you,” he kissed her tears away, which just made her cry more. His sensitivity and kindness broke her on the inside.

Emotion combined with anxiety coursed through her blood and she wrapped her arms around John’s neck and cried into his shoulder. She was beyond lucky to have someone like John in her life and couldn’t imagine not having him there.

“Don’t make me look at you right now and tell you what I’m about to say, I can’t, John,” she whispered into his neck. “Let me say it like this, please, so you don’t have to look at me.”

Leaning down, John held Alyssa in a tight embrace. He knew this was wreaking havoc on her, he could feel it radiating off her. He wanted to console her and make her feel good, but he also knew she needed to get out what she was about to say so he was going to do as she asked.

John expelled a long breath and wiggled his nose in her hair, pushing it aside. He found her cheek and placed a gentle kiss to her face. His chest ached tight with anxiety knowing how much she was hurting. He kissed her again and when he said, “Go on honey,” he almost didn’t recognize his own voice. It sounded raspy, and rough … broken.

“Ben … He stalked toward me and I got up fast. Too fast because I doubled over in pain to hold my stomach. Ben’s arm flew out, and he backhanded my across the face. I fell again, and then he fisted my hair and yanked me up.”

“Shhh … It’s okay, honey. I’ve got you.”

“He dragged me to the bed and said he was going to show me who the father was over and over so I would never forget. He was … Oh, John! I can’t say anymore. Move! Get off me! Just go!” Alyssa began yelling as she shoved and pushed John away. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t go any further. Just thinking about what Ben did to her made her skin crawl. She felt dirty, soiled. Her body was overheating and she started to sweat. “Move, John! I can’t say anymore. I won’t!”

“Yes, you will. Get it out.”

She squirmed under him, kicking her legs. Bile rose up from her stomach just thinking about that horrible day. Bucking her hips to move him off of her, she said, “No! Get off. Go!”

“I’m not leaving you, Alyssa. I’ve told you that before. When will you realize it?”

She fought against his body while John held her tight. She was no match for his strength, but fighting him felt strangely good. “Johnny, please just go.”

“The more you tell me to leave, the tighter I’m going to hold you. It’s your choice, but I’m not letting go.

“H-He … Ben, he … forced me that day,” she stuttered between tears. “He forced me to have sex so I would never forget who the father was. I begged him to stop, I told him I didn’t want to, but he wouldn’t listen.”

John was no pansy, but he couldn’t stop the tears that dripped from his own eyes. He felt every bit of pain his girl was feeling. How could anyone do that to a woman? No meant no.

“I …” she whispered. “I had to coax myself into it otherwise it would hurt too much. I had to make myself believe I wanted it. It was so hard,” she cried. “Because I didn’t want it. My body didn’t want it, and it hurt.”

Overcome with emotion, John lifted his head from her neck, but Alyssa wouldn’t let go of him. He needed her to see that he wasn’t going anywhere. “Alyssa, let go.”

“I knew it. I knew you would leave after I told you.”

John reared back like he’d been slapped. “You think I’m leaving?”

Slowly Alyssa turned her head to face John. He brought his palms to her face and held her. His thumbs wiped away the tears on her cheeks as he looked directly into her sad eyes and said, “Anyone can make a baby, Alyssa, but it takes a real man to be a father. Ben is scum. Ben is not a man. He isn’t even worth the dirt on my shoes. What he did to you is unacceptable. It’s a despicable act. No real man rapes a woman, ever. And no real man ever raises a hand to a woman, either. Thank fuck he’s in jail because I would gut him if I could. I’d kill that son of a bitch for what he did to you, rip each limb from his body.” John let Alyssa see the rage in his eyes, the anger and determination. His gaze gentled as he continued, “You thought I was going to leave? You’re wrong, honey. I’m yours, and you’re mine. I already know it, it’s just going to take time for you to see. And I’m okay with that. I’ll wait. I’m not going anywhere. You got that?”

All she could do was nod, because once again the tears started. How could she be so blessed with someone like John? “You’re not going to leave knowing what Ben did to me? That’s a lot of baggage,” she asked quietly.