Hold On to Me

John’s eyes dropped to her chest, then back to meet hers. “Just now?” he asked confusingly.

“Yes. Sometimes when she cries it’s like an automatic sensor that goes off and my boobs produce … well, boob juice. Here, let me have her and I’ll feed her real quick.”

Grabbing Brooke, she said in baby talk, “Want some milk?” Brooke fussed, kicking her legs out again. One the couch, she cuddled Brooke to her chest, her mouth open and ready trying to latch on through her bra. “Hang on, baby,” she said softly. Alyssa was about to lift her shirt, but somehow forgot John was with them in the few seconds it took to walk into another room. She was so focused on nursing and getting to work on time that she totally forgot he was there.

Turning to look at John with a now fussy baby in her arms, she said, “Um, this is kind of awkward.”

“What is?”

“You watching as I’m about to breastfeed.”

“That’s awkward to you after what we did last night?”

Alyssa’s cheeks flamed and her body came to life thinking about what they shared last night. Judging by the mischievous smirk on John’s face, he knew what she was thinking.

“Well, I’m about to whip out my boob. It’s a little strange to me. Isn’t it for you?”

John tipped his head to the side and just stared. Of course it wasn’t strange to him. “Would you rather I not look? I could turn around if you want.”

A sigh rolled off her lips. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen them before … “No, it’s okay I guess.”

“Cool. Because I kind of want to watch.”

Who the hell was this guy? What twenty-one year old wanted to watch his friend breastfeed?

“Can you hand me the rag next to you, please?” John handed it to her and she placed it under her breast so the milk wouldn’t spill onto her clothes. “Thanks.”

Unclipping her nursing bra, Alyssa pulled down the material and Brooke immediately latched on. The first few tugs were always tender for her as she gulped hard and chugged the milk. Alyssa rested back into the couch as she cradled Brooke to her chest.

John leaned over, his elbows digging into his knees as he watched in utter fascination. He had never seen a woman breastfeed before, and it was something to experience. Alyssa gently stroked Brooke’s back as she found comfort in her mother in more ways than one.

“You okay there?” Alyssa asked quietly.

“Huh?”

“Well, you’re sitting there with your mouth hanging open. You look like you’re in shock.”

“Oh, well, I’ve just never seen this happen before. It’s kind of cool.”

Alyssa looked down at her now sleepy baby. “Yes, it is pretty cool.” She smiled.

“Can I come closer? Or is that weird?”

“You mean to watch? Um … I guess so.”

Brooke started to slow down as her eyes rolled shut. “Oh, no you don’t, baby,” she whispered, and reached for the snap on her right cup.

“What did she do?” John was so close that he breathed his question on her neck. Just having him sit this close to her made her heart speed up. “She almost always falls asleep when I nurse her. I need to switch her to the other side before she’s out.”

Sitting forward, Alyssa carefully flipped Brooke to the other side. She covered herself up then sat back and leaned into his side, finding it comforting that she did. John draped his arm across the back of the couch. He liked being here with her as she nursed. It was a feeling he couldn’t explain, it just worked for him. She rested her head on his chest and took a deep breath. He wasn’t expecting her to do that but was secretly happy she did.

“You okay?”

“Yes.”

Alyssa lifted her head and their gazes locked. Her resilient blue eyes captivated him. There was just something about Alyssa that pulled him in every time he looked at her. Despite all the mourning and grief John dealt with in the past year, Alyssa was still the one. She was his light. His strength. His motivation.

And now Brooke was too.