Mr. Masters (Mr. 1)

Stupid, stupid cats, doing every possible thing wrong.

It isn’t long before Willow appears at the door, lurking and wanting to see what’s so funny.

Naughty cat after naughty cat, we watch on as they jump scare, attack dogs, fall off things and generally act like me—super goofy—and we are all hysterical with laughter. This is the funniest thing I have seen in ages, and it just keeps on getting funnier. We are splitting our sides in laughter.

My phone rings in my pocket and I fish it out. The name Mr. Masters lights up the screen.

“Hello,” I answer, trying to act serious.

“Hello, Miss Brielle,” his velvety voice purrs through the phone.

My heart skips a beat at the sound of his beautiful voice. “Hi,” I breathe.

“Is everything all right?” he asks.

I see a cat fall into a pool after attacking its owner and I giggle. “Everything is great. Everything okay with you?” I ask.

“Yes, all good here. How are the children?”

A video of a cat chasing a bear comes on the screen, and the children all hoot with laughter. I can’t help but chuckle, too.

“What’s going on?” he asks. “Where are you?”

“We’re watching cat bloopers on YouTube.”

“Cat bloopers? It’s 9:00 p.m. Bedtime was half an hour ago.”

A man sleeping on a sofa comes on the screen, and a cat jumps up and attacks his dick. He jumps in fright and falls off the couch in shock. The three of us all burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he snaps.

“The cat just attacked the man’s dick.” I laugh. “He fell off the lounge.” I can hardly speak from laughing.

“What the hell? Put the children on the phone.” I hand the phone to Sammy. “Hello, Dad,” he says, his eyes glued to the screen.

“Hello, Samuel. Is everything okay?”

“The cat attacked the man’s privates,” he blurts out.

“Stop watching such rubbish,” I hear Mr. Masters say.

A cat jumps off the kitchen bench and falls into the rubbish bin. It tips over and scares the dog, and we all burst out laughing again. Sammy can’t speak for laughing.

“The cat fell in the bin,” he screams in excitement.

“Good grief,” Mr. Masters groans. “Put your sister on the phone.” Sam passes the phone to Willow.

“Hello, Dad.” She smiles.

“Is everything okay, Will?”

A cat falls into a fish tank and we erupt again.

She laughs out loud. “Yes, Dad, everything is fine. I have to go.”

She hands the phone back to me.

“Can we get a cat?” I ask.