Our Way

“So?” He sips his drink, and I know he’s as nervous as me.

“We need to talk.”

“I know.” He tips his head back and drains his glass before he refills it. “Top off?”

I smirk as my eyes flick to my full glass. “No. I’m good.”

I watch him for a moment, and I know I have to put him out of his misery. I reach over and take his hand in mine. “Talk to me, Nathe.”

He rubs his thumb back and forth over my fingers as his eyes search mine. “Where do I start?”

“At the beginning.”

He picks up his glass, drains it again, and then refills it. It sloshes over the side of the glass.

“Nathan.” I squeeze his hand in mine. “It’s okay.”

“So.” He exhales heavily. “When you broke up with Callum, I… I was glad. Ecstatic ,even. I told myself that it was because he wasn’t good enough for you. But the truth was, I was jealous of him. I was jealous that he got to be with you every day and I didn’t.” His eyes search mine. “I slept at your house those first few nights and…”

“And what?”

“I liked it. I felt at home. I wanted to be with you all the time. Over the last two years, we’ve become closer and closer, and then about four months ago, I stopped having sex with other people.”

I frown, this is not what I was expecting him to say. “Why?”

“I didn’t realize it at the time. I didn’t want to. The thought of leaving your side to go and have sex with someone else felt wrong.” His eyes drop to the table. “It felt like I was cheating on you. ”

I take his hand over the table again as I listen.

“But I didn’t put the puzzle pieces together. I didn’t understand it, and to be honest, I didn’t put any thought into why I was acting that way.”

His eyes meet mine for reassurance, and I give him a soft smile. “Go on.”

“Three weeks ago I went shopping with you, and you put on that little gold bikini.”

What in the world?

“And I got hard.” He picks up his drink and takes a huge gulp. “You can imagine my horror, seeing as it’s never happened to me before in my life. It confused me—horrified me. I felt sick to the stomach. It was like I was being seedy. You were my best friend, and there I was, perving on you.”

“Oh, Nathe.”

“I started lying beside you every night in the dark, imagining the two of us naked together, filled with guilt but unable to stop my thoughts. After you would fall asleep, I would go in the bathroom and jerk off so that I could fall asleep, too.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I began watching straight porn.” He picks up his wine with a shaky hand and sips it. “She always had to have long, dark hair like you.” His eyes meet mine for reassurance, and I force a smile, hoping he can feel my love across the table.

“Nathan,” I whisper. “There’s no shame in liking women.”

“Gender has nothing to do with this. I can’t explain it.” He thinks for a moment. “But when I look at you, I don’t see a female or a male.”

I frown. “What do you see?”

“I see happiness.”

My eyes fill with tears.

“Nathe, I’m not a man. I don’t have the body parts you need. I could never make you happy.”