Our Way

“I don’t know.” I see the sad look on his face, and I can’t stand it. “I mean, I do, I love you. That isn’t the question here.”

His lips curl in hope.

“But I don’t know if we can make this work.” I shake my head. “There are so many questions and… I’m hurt that you went to her. Your first sexual experience with a woman, and you gave it to her, not me. I wanted it, Nathan. How could you go to her?”

He stares at me for a moment, and then as if having an epiphany, he gives me a slow smile.

“Why are you smiling about that?”

“Don’t you see, the fact that it bothers you means there is hope for us.”

“I need to know what happened between the two of you. It’s eating me up.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“There’s no point continuing then.” I push my chair out. “I’ll go.”

“Sit down.” He inhales deeply and takes another big gulp of his wine.

“Start talking, Nathan. What happened with her?”

“I was driving around, trying to think. I went to a strip club. I thought it might give me some clarity, you know?”

I frown.

“I did some blow.”

“You did cocaine?” I whisper angrily. “Nathan, you’re a fucking surgeon, are you stupid?”

“Yes.” He nods. “Obviously, I am. I was just so fucked up in the head. I have no excuse, it was appalling. Next thing I knew, I was at Stephanie’s.”

I sit back in my seat, furious.

His eyes hold mine, and I know he’s doing an internal risk assessment as to what he’s about to say.

“Go on,” I urge. “I need to know what happened.”

He hangs his head. “I was off my head, not thinking straight. She opened the door and… we kissed.”

My stomach twists.

He frowns. “Next thing I know she’s on her knees.”

I close my eyes in horror. I don’t know if I actually want to hear this.

“I was going to stop.” He takes my hand over the table.

“But you didn’t?”

He hangs his head. “No.”

I watch him, filled with contempt. “What happened then?”

“I …”

“You came,” I snap.

“I freaked out and I left in a rush.”