Lifelong Affair

'Yes,' Morgan choked. 'Oh, poor Janet!' She had never dreamt that such heartache was the reason for Janet's need to cause others pain.

'Yes,' he agreed dully. 'I think when Glenna died, and you became Courtney's mother, her hate passed on to you.'

'Will she—will she be all right?'

'I think so,' Alex nodded. 'With professional help and a damned sight more thoughtfulness from her family. Now we come to the lie she told you about Glenna and me.'

She chewed on her bottom lip at the chill that came into his eyes. 'I was a fool, I knew that as soon as you left last night. Glenna was married to your brother.'

'But she was unhappy here.'

'Not that unhappy!'

'No,' he acknowledged tautly. 'Although you've probably guessed, from your own experience with her, that my mother made Glenna's life here almost unbearable?'

'That much was obvious!'

He sighed. 'Mark was my mother's baby, no woman would have been good enough for him. She chose to believe what she wanted to, never seeming to realise how deeply Glenna and Mark loved each other.'

'Then Courtney wasn't a way of keeping the marriage together?'

'Something else one of the charming members of my family implied?' Alex derided almost disbelievingly. 'No, Courtney was a wanted and loved baby, a result of their love for each other. But how did you feel about him when you thought he was my son?'

Morgan frowned. 'I loved him, the same as I always have,'

'And me? How did you feel about me?' He seemed tensed as if for a blow.

Honesty—she had to give him honesty. 'The thought of you and Glenna— hated it, she told him

heatedly. 'And I hated you for making me her substitute '

'Dear God, you thought that?' he groaned.

'Yes,' she admitted miserably. 'And it tore mc apart. I knew you didn't love me, but I thought what we did have was for me, not—not—I was a fool,' she repeated shakily.

'And what do we have, Morgan? Alex asked softly. 'A good relationship in bed?

'Definitely that. And—and my love for you,' she faced him fearlessly. 'I love you, Alex,' she told him strongly. 'I loved you before I married you, and I've loved you ever since.'

For a moment he seemed not to want to look at her, he was so deep in thought, then he gave a ragged sigh. 'Your honesty has always—shaken me,' his eyes glowed deeply grey as he looked at her. 'It isn't something I'm used to in women.'

'I'm sorry you were hurt in the past,' she said withgentle sincerity, 'But I would never use my body to blackmail our relationship. This other woman '

'My mother, he told her harshly. 'I watched her control and manipulate my father from the time I knew what was going on. God, what a family you and Glenna both married into!' he said disgustedly. 'My mother, who used her body to control her marriage, my sister, who's more deeply scarred inside than any of us realised, my brother, who never quite grew up, and—and an emotional cripple.' He looked at her with pained eyes. 'The last one is me,' he admitted raggedly.

'Alex. ..?' She was shocked by what he had just told her. There hadn't been another woman who had hurt him, only his mother, and the friend she had thought he was talking about yesterday had been his father! Somehow she couldn't see his mother in the role he had painted for her.

'Oh, it's true, Morgan,' he seemed to read her thoughts. 'Even her children were produced with precise regularity, at four-yearly intervals. My father worshipped the ground she walked on, and she used that, she used it to control him!'

'Maybe she loved him too, Alex, she comforted him. 'After all, she's been a widow for some time'

'Twenty years, he confirmed.

'And she never remarried. It can't have been easy bringing up three children on her own, even when she sent you all to boarding school. Wouldn't it have been easier for her to remarry? She's still an attractive woman; she must have been beautiful-then.'

'She was, he nodded. 'And maybe she did love him, in her own way. But it was a destructive love, not the sort of love I wanted for myself. When we married, on our wedding night, and all the nights after that, when you gave yourself to me so completely, I knew you loved mc. And I was afraid of that love, afraid of what it might do to me.'

'Love can't hurt you, Alex,' she told him throatily. 'Only hate and loneliness can do that.'

He closed his eyes, breathing deeply. 'When I realised you loved me I think did hate you for a while.'

'Alex!' she gasped her hurt.

He turned to look at her, his mouth twisted into a wry smile. 'You haven't heard why I hated you yet. Knowing, guessing, how you felt, made mc examine my own feelings for you. And I didn't like what I found,' he admitted hardly. 'I think it started that day we arrived back in England together and you expressed concern for how tired I looked, and told me to rest. Everyone else seemed to think I could go on indefinitely, that I could accept the deaths of my brother and Glenna as if I didn't give a damn. Only you seemed to see that I was as deeply affected as the rest of you.'

'You hid it well, Alex,' Morgan said huskily. 'You know that at first I thought you were very cold-blooded about it too.'

'I felt guilty,' he rasped. 'There'd been one hell of a row before they left. You see, they weren't coming back here, they were going to stay in the States. Glenna was becoming increasingly unhappy here, and Mark had no idea how to break away from the family. I arranged for him to run the branch of Hammond Industries in the States. When my mother found out she was furious—with all of us,' he added grimly. 'It was far from a pleasant parting for them.'

'But I'm sure they were happy to just get away.'

'I'm sure they were too,' Alex nodded. 'But I still couldn't help my feelings of guilt. Maybe if I hadn't arranged for them to leave they wouldn't have been on that plane, they would still have been alive. Then you came back here with me, and I couldn't seem to stop the desire I felt for you. I told myself it could only be desire. But instead of having the affair with you that I wanted asked you to marry me. I had no idea why I'd done that.'

'Courtney-- '

'Had nothing to do with it,' he shook his head. The situation could have been resolved by my moving to the States—I didn't need to marry you. No, I wanted you, but I just didn't want to have to admit that I did. Then after we were married there seemed no reason to admit anything; we were happy together without my having to make any kind of emotional commitment. When you suddenly turned against me three days ago I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand it, and I couldn't seem to stop it either. So instead I walked out.'

'Last night- '

'Spent on the couch in my office,' he admitted grimly. 'Both times I've walked out on you, last night and the day we came back from our honeymoon, I've spent there.'

'You should have just come home,' Morgan choked.

'I couldn't. I was still afraid of what I might have to do to get you to stay, to remain my wife.' Alex swallowed hard, looking very pale. 'I still can't say it, damn it!' he ground out harshly. 'Even though I may lose you if I don't.'

Morgan stood up to run to him, her arms about his waist as she pressed her head against his chest. 'You won't lose me, and you don't have to say anything, Alex. I don't need the words,' she smiled up at him tearfully. 'I can say it for both of us; I love you, Alex. I love you so much.'

His arms closed about her fiercely. 'You deserve the words,' he spoke roughly into her hair.

'But I don't need them.' She kissed the hard line of his jaw, knowing this man was truly hers, that he always had been. 'All I need is you.'

'I need you too, Morgan,' he groaned. 'Without you now I think I'd die!'

'Darling . . .' she raised her face to his, kissing him with all the love inside her. 'Come to bed, Alex,' she invited breathlessly. 'Come to bed and let mc love you.'

And as they made love Alex told her the words she longed to hear, told her over and over again until they became one being, one person, drowning in that love.

He grinned down at her a long time later. 'I feel— free, he said lightheartedly. 'For the first time in years I don't feel a need to hide the way I feel. And it's all due to you, my darling.' His arms tightened about her. 'I've said it before, and I don't think I'll ever stop saying it—you're one hell of a woman, Morgan Hammond.'

'And you're one hell of a man, Alex Hammond,' she laughed up at him happily, sobering suddenly. 'Alex, I have something to confess to you.' She played with the dark hair on his chest.

'Confess away,' he invited indulgently.

She drew in a deep ragged breath. 'When Janet told me—what she did, I—I—There were special circumstances why I think I believed her so readily.'

His brows rose. "There were?'

'Mm.' She chewed on her top lip, unable to meet his gaze. 'I've been a little emotional lately, and '

'A little!' he scorned.

'Well, there's a reason for it!' She gave him an indignant look. 'I had something I was going to share with you, to share with everyone at Courtney's christening—if Janet hadn't spoilt it with her lie,'

'I had some cake, thank you,' he taunted her.

'Alex, will you please be serious!' she said crossly.

He did his best to keep a straight face. 'Of course. But can I tell you one more time that I love you first?'

'Never stop telling me that.' She kissed him deeply,knowing by the gleam in his eyes as she raised her head that his desire had been aroused once again.

'Alex, I—I '

'Well, spit it out, woman,' he growled, nuzzling into her neck. 'I have three nights of abstinence to make up for.'

'Well, make the most of it now, buster,' she snapped, 'because in a few months I'll be so fat you won't be able to get near me!' She watched as he slowly raised his head, passion and amusement both gone now as he looked from her face to her still flat stomach, lingering there, his hand moving to frame the slight swell he had detected. 'I know it doesn't look much at the moment,' she giggled at his awestruck expression. 'But another month or two and your daughter will be kicking about like a soccer player."