Death Masks (The Dresden Files 5)

I growled and looked back at the fire. "Would be a lot simpler if you just gave me the Dear John speech and left."

"Simpler," she said. "Easier. But not fair and not right."

I didn't say anything.

"I've changed," Susan said. "Not just the vampire thing. There's a lot that's been happening in my life. A lot of things that I didn't know."

"Like what?"

"How dangerous the world is, for one," she said. "I wound up in Peru, but I went all over South America, Central America. I couldn't have imagined what things are like there. Harry, the Red Court is everywhere. There are whole villages out in the country supporting groups of them. Like cattle bred for the lord of the manor. The vampires feed on everyone. Addict them all." Her voice hardened. "Even the children."

My stomach twitched unpleasantly. "I hadn't ever heard that."

"Not many know."

I mopped a hand over my face. "God. Kids."

"I want to help. To do something. I've found where I can help down there, Harry. A job. I'm going to take it."

Something in my chest hurt, a literal pain. "I thought this was our decision."

"I'm coming to that," she said.

I nodded. "Okay."

She slipped to the floor next to me and said, "You could come with me."

Go with her. Leave Chicago. Leave Murphy, the Alphas, Michael. Leave a horde of problems-many of them ones I'd created for myself. I thought of packing up and heading out. Maybe fighting the good fight. Being loved again, held again. God, I wanted that.

But people would get hurt. Friends. Others who might be in my kind of danger and have no one to turn to.

I looked into Susan's eyes and saw hope there for just a moment. Then understanding. She smiled, but it was somehow sadder than ever. "Susan-" I said.

She pressed a finger to my lips and blinked back tears. "I know."

And then I understood. She knew because she was feeling the same way.

There are things you can't walk away from. Not if you want to live with yourself afterward.

"Now do you understand?" she asked.

I nodded, but my voice came out rough. "Wouldn't be fair. Not to either of us," I said. "Not being together. Both of us hurting."

Susan leaned her shoulder against mine and nodded. I put my arm around her.

"Maybe someday things will change," I said.

"Maybe someday," she agreed. "I love you. I never stopped loving you, Harry."

"Yeah," I said. I choked on the end of the word, and the fire went blurry. "I love you too. Dammit." We sat there and warmed up in front of the fire for a couple of minutes before I said, "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow," she said.

"With Martin?"

She nodded. "He's a coworker. He's helping me move, watching my back. I have to put everything in order here. Pack some things from the apartment."

"What kind of work?"

"Pretty much the same kind. Investigate and report. Only I report to a boss instead of to readers." She sighed and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you anything else about it."

"Hell's bells," I muttered. "Will I be able to reach you?"

She nodded. "I'll set up a drop. You can write. I'd like that."

"Yeah. Stay in touch."

Long minutes after that, Susan said, "You're on a case again, aren't you?"

"Does it show?"

She leaned a little away from me, and I drew my arm back. "I smelled it," she said, and stood up to add wood to the fire. "There's blood on you."

"Yeah," I said. "A woman was killed about five feet away from me."

"Vampires?" Susan asked.

I shook my head. "Some kind of demon."

"Are you okay?"

"Peachy."

"That's funny, because you look like hell," Susan said.

"I said no scolding."

She almost smiled. "You'd be smart to get some sleep."

"True, but I'm not all that bright," I said. Besides, I didn't have a prayer of falling asleep now, after talking to her.

"Ah," she said. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Don't think so."

"You need rest."

I waved a hand at the stationery pad. "I will. I just have to run down a lead first."

Susan folded her arms, facing me directly. "So do it after you get some rest."

"There probably isn't time."

Susan frowned and picked up the pad. "Marriott. The hotel?"

"Dunno. Likely."

"What are you looking for?"

I sighed, too tired to stick to my confidentiality guns very closely. "Stolen artifact. I think the note is probably about a site for the sale."

"Who is the buyer?"

I shrugged.

"Lots of legwork, then."

"Yeah."

Susan nodded. "Let me look into this. You get some sleep."

"It's probably better if you don't-"

She waved a hand, cutting me off. "I want to help. Let me do this for you."

I opened my mouth and closed it again. I guess I could relate. I knew how much I'd wanted to help her. I couldn't. It had been tough to handle. It would have been a relief to me to have done her some good, no matter how small it was.

"All right," I said. "But just the phone work. Okay?"

"Okay." She copied down the word and the number on a sheet she tore from the bottom of the memo pad and turned toward the door.

"Susan?" I said.

She paused without turning to look back at me.

"Do you want to get dinner or something? Before you go, I mean. I want to, uh, you know."

"Say good-bye," she said quietly.

"Yeah."

"All right."

She left. I sat in my apartment, in front of the fire, and breathed in the scent of her perfume. I felt cold, lonely, and tired. I felt like a hollowed-out husk. I felt as if I had failed her. Failed to protect her to begin with, failed to cure her after the vampires had changed her.

Change. Maybe that's what this was really about. Susan had changed. She'd grown. She was more relaxed than I remembered, more confident. There had always been a sense of purpose to her, but now it seemed deeper, somehow. She'd found a place for herself, somewhere where she felt she could do some good.

Maybe I should have gone with her after all.

But no. Part of the change was that she felt hungrier now, too. More quietly sensual, as if every sight and sound and touch in the room was occupying most of her attention. She'd smelled drops of blood on my clothing and it had excited her enough to make her move away from me.