Renewing Their Vows

Don’t let her tears break you. As much as you want to die right now.

Her life is in the balance.

Remember, this is all for her safety.

“You could be even happier,” I choke out.

Blanching, she once again puts a hand over her belly, guarding it. “You’re wrong. I couldn’t be.” She takes several heavy breaths, visibly reeling over everything that’s happening. Dammit to hell, why didn’t I anticipate her following me? Why did I leave it to chance? “You’re going to tangle us up into this corrupt world, North. It looks like you already have.” She wets her lips quickly. “Maybe…Maybe it’s not safe for me and the baby to be around you right now.”

That declaration is the equivalent to having a leather whip crack across my face.

It stings and blinds me and renders me momentarily speechless.

“Grace…no. What are you talking about?” Hysteria whips up inside of me like a funnel cloud. “Leaving me?”

Her face crumples, hands wringing in front of her waist.

A beat passes. And then she nods.

She nods.

She’s leaving me.

She’s leaving me?

How is this happening?

This can’t be real.

“No. No, you don’t mean that.” I lunge forward and catch her up in my arms, raking my mouth over hers, holding it there, breathing her oxygen. Looking into her blue eyes with my own, which must be wild. Teeming with the mania that’s running amuck inside of me. “You are going to trust me. You do trust me. You know, Grace. You know I am always, always doing the right thing for us. For you. I love you. I’m insane over you. I wouldn’t fuck this up.”

“You do the right thing. Yes. You always do. But this time you think the wrong thing is the right one,” she hiccups. “I’m going to stay with Tanya for now. I just…I don’t feel like I know you right now, North. Maybe you need to take some time and figure out what’s really important.”

Did I hear her correctly?

She’s going to sleep somewhere besides our bed? At a co-worker’s house?

I’ll climb the fucking walls if I can’t see her. Touch her.

“Don’t do this.” I’m hollowed out, staggering sideways on the sidewalk with her in my arms. My mind burned to a crisp. “Don’t leave me.”

“I don’t want to.” We both look down at her stomach where it’s currently pressed to mine. “But my heart is telling me I don’t have a choice. I feel so b-blindsided.”

My arms tighten around her, my mouth ravaging hers with hard, suctioning kisses. Using my last available weapon—our attraction. But it doesn’t work, because I used it last night. I fucked myself. Made her feel betrayed and confused, instead of loved and cherished and safe. “I’m sorry,” I breathe, winded. “I’m sorry.”

She tries to disentangle herself from me, but I hold on. “If you’re sorry, then walk back into that bar with me and refuse the deal. Tell him you won’t throw the fight. That you want to build a career the right way, with honor, instead of taking an easy payday.”

I can’t do that.

I can’t give her what she wants.

If we both confront Tennison, the truth would be exposed. She’d realize the gangster will kill her unless I pull off the perfect fall—and that fear could harm the baby.

Nor can I tell her my alternative plan. Information makes her a target.

I’m fucked.

I’m fucked and my wife is leaving me.

It’s the worst nightmare imaginable. No Grace. Not having Grace?

I might as well go throw myself off the closest building.

The only thing keeping me semi-coherent is the belief that I’m protecting my family. The only way I know how. And eventually, she’ll know I had no choice. If I can survive long enough for that to happen, we can be together again.

With my guard dropped completely, shattered into oblivion, I let my wife see every bit of the obsession that exists inside of me. It drops her mouth open, makes her issue of gasping sob. “I don’t know what’s going to be left of me when you come back, Gracie.” I lean down and seal my mouth over hers, drawing in as much of her taste as possible. “But until then, I’ll be watching you. Waiting. And loving you without end.”

“I love you, too,” she whispers, backing away. “I always will.”

Somehow I remain standing in place as the girl I worship walks away from me, pulling my heart out through my chest and dragging it in her wake.

Four

Grace

Tanya is definitely having regrets about letting me stay with her.

I can barely hold a conversation.

We’re sitting on her couch in the living room of her small apartment, my slice of pizza sitting untouched on the coffee table in front of me. Some reality show plays out on the television, but every word blaring from the screen sounds alien and screechy. A sharp pain took up residence in my head four days ago and nothing I do combats it. The pain only gets worse and it’s nothing compared to the gaping emptiness in my chest. I’m not even sure there’s a beating heart inside of me anymore or if I’m an actual zombie at this point.