Train Me Daddy

‘Well, truth is that when we were still getting along and it looked like we would see it through – mostly because I wasn’t thinking and had my head in the sand – we did decide we’d give it a go.’

‘In case you’re worried, Darlene,’ Kurt added, ‘you could have had all of your college tutors and I wouldn’t think less of you.’

‘I’m not so sure about that, but thanks,’ Darlene replied.

‘So, you say let’s give it a go but – what, was he weird in the bedroom as well, or something?’

‘Not weird, it just didn’t go very well,’ she revealed. ‘Neither of us knew what we were doing and – I guess I’m not officially a virgin but I know you’re the first to get it right.’

Kurt took all that to mean that Mr Orthodox had had a bit of a faulty sail. His boat may have temporarily docked but was washed back out to sea before it could hang around and enjoy the amenities.

As a result of her revealing story, Kurt felt quite smug. No guy who was in his mother’s pocket as much as Darlene’s weird ex was should have been a match for him in the bedroom anyway, but it was still gratifying to know that when she compared the lovers she’d had he would look like something of a sex god.

It was then that another curiosity returned to him and he faced the dilemma of whether or not to question her. Most likely there would be no better opportunity but it was potentially awkward in revealing that he had been in her bedroom. At the same time, it might provide a perfect tonic to her own embarrassing story, meaning they could both have something to laugh about.

For better or worse, led as ever by sexual intrigue, Kurt decided to get it out in the open and ask her.

‘While we’re on the subject, Darlene,’ he began, ‘I have a bit of a confession of my own.’

‘Really?’

‘But you have to try not to think less of me. It sort of happened accidentally on purpose, if you take my meaning.’

‘Not really. It’s too dark in here for you to have filmed us so what can you possibly mean?’

‘Damn, I didn’t think of that,’ he replied. ‘No, I’m referring to when we met at your house the other day.’

‘As you said, it wasn’t really possible to talk at the time.’

‘That’s right, but I must confess, I sort of stepped into your bedroom.’

‘You sort of stepped into my bedroom?’

‘Well, alright! I did go in there.’

‘You didn’t have time to be trying on my dresses.’

‘To explain myself, I was looking for advice of some kind.’

‘From the imaginary gnome who lives in the cupboard?’

‘He was no use. No, what I mean is I was looking for inspiration… a context of some kind. You know, so I could make a connection with you.’

‘It seems to have worked. So, what was it?’

‘I was being a bit of a chancer, I admit,’ he said, now making it all up, ‘but I thought that if you had a poster of a band, or a book we’d both read it would make for a good conversation starter. I guess I was trying too hard; you’re not furious I hope?’

‘I should be – but no,’ she replied. ‘Truth is the idea excites me; I’d like to take you into my bedroom, Kurt. Getting around my parents’ scruples in that way might never be possible though.’

‘Yeah, I sort of got that impression,’ he said, with a wry smile.

‘So did you get your inspiration?’

‘That’s where the awkward question comes in.’

‘Why’s that? Kurt tell the truth now, were you going through my underwear draw?’ she asked, amusing him in that she was talking to him like he was a naughty child.

‘Not guilty, Judge!’ he replied. ‘The thing is – and this is not my fault – but your handbag looked like it had fallen open.’