Desire in Lingerie (Lingerie 7)

Her green eyes weren’t bright with hope, but dark with sadness. She closed her eyes for a long time so she wouldn’t have to look at me.

I moved to kneel in front of her, my knees hitting the carpet in front of the couch. My waist pressed against her knee, and my face was just inches from hers. I was tired of keeping my distance, tired of pretending we weren’t together when we clearly were. “Look at me.”

She resisted me, keeping her eyes shut.

“Don’t make me ask you again.”

Her resistance only lasted a few more seconds before her eyes opened. Emotional and exhausted, she looked at me with eyes showing a world full of pain.

“Baby, we can keep fighting this, but it’s inevitable. You want me and I want you. This is just about us, not your family or mine. It’s no one’s business but our own. No one even needs to know about it. You’re thinking about the end when we haven’t even had a beginning yet. Don’t think about the future. Just think about the present.”

Her eyes shifted back and forth as she looked into mine. She’d never looked so beautiful as she did when she was trying to resist me. It was futile—and she knew it. “You don’t understand…”

“Then make me understand, baby.”

“You say we don’t know what’s going to happen…that you aren’t asking me to marry you. Most relationships don’t end in happily ever after, and we’ll be no different. We should enjoy each other and see where this goes…but it’s more complicated than that.”

“How?” I demanded. “You’re only making it more complicated—”

“Because I love you…” She closed her eyes again, and this time, a few tears escaped and rolled down her cheeks. She opened them again, her green eyes glossy with tears. “You’re the last man I ever thought I would love.”

Her tears hurt me, but her words gave me a high I’d never felt before. I knew how she felt about me, but she never had the courage to say it to my face. Hearing those words aroused me, made me even more obsessed than I was before.

“You kill people, and you hate my family. You kidnapped me, held a knife to my throat, and almost killed me on camera. You demanded I satisfy you if I wanted to keep my family safe. You’re not what I want in life…but I’ve somehow fallen in love with you. I’m so damn in love with you, it’s stupid. I hate it when you’re gone, and every night you aren’t with me, it hurts a little more. And if I feel this way after everything you’ve done…how will I feel if I let this continue? I’m only going to fall harder for you. I’m only going to fall more in love with you every passing day. You say we don’t know where this is going to go…but I do. If I can’t let you go now, how will I let you go later? It’ll just be a million times harder…so hard I can’t even imagine.” More tears fell, thick drops of sadness down her cheeks.

My hands cupped her face, and I wiped her tears away with the pads of my thumbs. The moisture was connected to my fingers, and the salt dissolved into my skin. I hated seeing my baby cry, hated seeing the torment she was suffering—because of me. Loving her had caused her more pain than anything else I’d ever done to her.

My love killed her.

I rested my forehead against hers and closed my eyes, feeling her breath on my skin. My hands explored her waist, caressing her petite frame in the baggy sweater she wore. It hurt to see her cry, but I also thought she’d never looked more beautiful, her face free of makeup and with the baggy socks on her feet. I wanted to take her to bed and kiss all her tears away. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and make love to her, making her the first woman I’d ever made love to. I wanted to hold on to her forever, to cherish her as my woman. I wanted her for so many reasons, and I hated the fact that only my worst enemy was man enough to know how to raise a beautiful and strong woman. I’d never felt more respect, more admiration, for a woman besides my own mother.

I was hurting Vanessa, and I hated the fact that I was hurting her.

I couldn’t do it anymore. I kissed her forehead, letting my warm lips linger against her soft skin for a long time. I didn’t want to let her go, but I knew I had to, once and for all. If she didn’t want to be with me, I couldn’t force her. She’d made up her mind, and I didn’t want to sit there and persuade her otherwise. If she wanted to be with me, she had to decide that on her own.