Lover in Lingerie (Lingerie 15)

“Who said I wouldn’t give that to her?” I’d already offered once. Maybe she didn’t take me seriously. I was willing to do anything to keep this woman. She was the key to my happiness.

“I don’t think she realizes that,” Ronan said. “And if that’s the case, you should tell her. But even then, she said she doesn’t want to be part of this scene. After what happened with The Butcher, she’s afraid for the safety of her kids. She doesn’t want you gone all night while she’s home alone with the family. She would never ask you to give up all of this because it wouldn’t be right…and she thinks it wouldn’t be right for you to ask the same of her.”

The future had looked so clear earlier that morning, but now it was bleak once more. I was fine before Carmen came along, but I would never be fine again after she was gone. Another woman would never mean anything to me. It would be back to meaningless sex, buying expensive gifts for women because that’s what they wanted. I would be absorbed back into the darkness once more. “I can’t give up the casino for her.” I wanted to pretend her request was ridiculous, but it wasn’t. She wanted a quiet and simple life in the country, raising her kids with a man who would always be home by five. She didn’t want to be tarnished by my lifestyle, to have a man walk in the door smelling like cigars, booze, and cheap perfume. It all made sense—but it still hurt like a bitch. “Did she know you were going to tell me all this?”

“I don’t know. I never said I was or wasn’t.”

She was leaving the day after tomorrow, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Ronan kept watching me, the concern in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Bosco. I tried to change her mind.”

I wasn’t angry at him anymore. I had worse problems now. “I know, Ro.” I faced the floor again, breaking eye contact because I didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes. I gripped the railing with both hands and tried to combat the empty feeling inside my chest. Now I didn’t even want to go home, not even if she was naked on my bed. I didn’t want to pretend this horrible reality wasn’t really happening.

My brother came to my side and faced the same direction. “This probably isn’t my place to say, but…this is gonna get old someday.”

I stared at the men sitting at the poker tables, holding their cards and tossing their chips into the center. Topless waitresses circulated and waited on the men. Security stood against the walls and kept an eye on everyone. The naked girls danced in the cages as the smoke rose to the ceiling, and the music thudded overhead.

“The women, the booze, the job…all of it will turn stale. When you’re in your fifties, this will feel redundant and repetitive. You don’t want to stand here in twenty years regretting the choice you made.”

“What are you saying, Ronan?”

“Maybe you should give up the casino.” He kept hold of the railing the way I did.

“Give up everything and give her what she wants.”

The casino was my life; it was my purpose. I loved the power and I loved the money. My identity wouldn’t exist without it. “Ro, I’m nothing without it.”

“That can’t be true. Because Carmen loves you in spite of all this…not because of it. So you must be something to her.”

I kept staring at the floor. “What would I do all day? What kind of man would I be? I would just stay home all day and get fat? I love Carmen, but the casino is who I am. I put everything on the line when I started it, and I can’t just walk away from that. I refuse to be a man who sacrifices everything for a woman. If she won’t sacrifice everything for me, then why should I do it for her?” It didn’t matter how much I loved Carmen. Walking away from all of this was not an option. I would be giving up who I was, and one day, I would regret that.

Ronan was quiet, letting my final words fill the air.

Accepting the loss was hard. But losing everything I’d worked so hard for would be even worse.

“Then she’s going to leave, Bosco,” my brother said. “I just want you to be prepared for it…so you aren’t blindsided.” He moved his hand to the center of my back, comforting me with the subtle gesture of affection.

I didn’t react to the touch.

“I’m sorry.” He pulled his hand off my back then walked away.

Now I stood alone on the balcony, my heart starting to throb because the reality hit me like the water from a cold shower. The inevitable was fast approaching, and if just the thought was so painful, how would it really feel in the moment?