Saxonhurst Secrets

‘WE SHOULD BEGIN at the beginning, shouldn’t we, vicar?’

Evie pushed aside the New Testament and the exhortations of St Paul to the Ephesians.

‘I think the most pressing issue for you is an understanding of how to live in a Christian fashion.’ Adam disagreed.

He seemed to be disagreeing with everyone today.

He had disagreed with Julia Shields over the best way to go about banishing the pornographers from her ancestral home. She wanted him to make complaints to the authorities – the planning office at the local council, to begin with. But Kasia and Sebastian had registered the property’s change of use in advance, and they were breaking no laws. They were paying their taxes like everyone else. “Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s”, he had told Julia. She had snorted and said Jesus didn’t have to deal with skinflicks being made in his lowly stable.

‘He wasn’t living in a stable by then,’ said Adam patiently, but Julia wasn’t listening.

‘Are you telling me that you are going to let them carry on with this? Right under our noses?’

‘No, I’m not telling you that. I’m as against it as you are. But I think we need to get the village on our side. Why don’t you call a meeting? I’m happy to give the church hall over to it. Leaflet the parishioners and get them on our side.’

And get them on to church premises, for the first time in their heathen lives.

With a little flutter of optimism, Adam saw an opportunity to make the church central to village life. If everyone joined in their crusade, he could make his services a key part of the fight. Bums on pews at last.

‘Well, I suppose so.’

He didn’t understand her dubious reaction. Surely this was the obvious path to take.

‘Don’t you think it’s a good idea?’

‘It’s just, well, I’m not the most popular person in this village.’

‘Oh.’

‘Why don’t you produce the leaflets? You’re new here; they won’t have any of their loopy peasant prejudices against you.’

He sighed. His head was going to be well and truly over the parapet. Trusting that the diocesan authorities would understand and approve, he assented.

So he’d leafleted each house in the village, calling a public meeting for the Thursday evening.

Of course, Sebastian had been straight on the phone.

‘It’s harassment, pure and simple,’ he raged. ‘Don’t think I won’t involve the police if it gets out of hand.’

‘People have a right to express their opinions, peaceably,’ Adam pointed out, though he was feeling far from peaceable at that point. The idea of storming the manor with flaming torches grew more appealing by the moment.

And now Evie, at her first tuition session, was taking a dim view of it all.

‘I reckon God’s all right with erotic stuff,’ she said. ‘Forget this St Paul bloke, let’s do Adam and Eve. He gave them the Garden of Eden and I bet that was a sexy place. I mean, they walked around butt-naked all day long. God didn’t seem that bothered by it.’

‘Man wasn’t able to handle his desires,’ said Adam severely. ‘Hence their banishment.’

Evie stretched out and yawned, her hand brushing Adam’s upper arm as he sat beside her.

‘I reckon Eve gets a bad press. I would, though, wouldn’t I? We’ve got the same name. I’ve always been on her side.’

‘She was weak.’

‘No weaker than Adam. I suppose you think he’s all

right, do you? It was him thinking with his dick got us into all this. And men ain’t been no different since.’

‘He disobeyed the word of the Lord, yes, but he wanted forbidden knowledge not – not, you know, sex. And so did Eve. They were both guilty.’