Game

I take the photograph and hare off again, barging past an American man who entreats me to ‘Show some damn respect!’

I take cover back in the park.

Done. I text Lloyd the photo.

Impressive! He’ll be sleeping with those tonight.

He’ll probably hand them over to the police.

Lol, I think not. Ready for the next phase?

Not really.

Of course you are. It’s the cocktail hour. Take yourself off to the Ritz, buy yourself a cocktail and find an attractive woman to snog. Get a photo.

A woman?

Yep. Pulling a man in a hotel bar would be shooting fish in a barrel for you, wouldn’t it?

True.

The Ritz isn’t far away. I walk purposefully past the doormen and up the steps, under its shimmery glimmery awning and into the bar.

I forget why I’m there for a moment, and imagine I’m on an industrial espionage mission, looking for ideas for my own hotel. Their drinks are pricier than ours but then they have the history and the prestige behind them and they can get away with it.

I order a Cosmopolitan and scope the place for likely talent.

In one corner a group of impeccable young things giggle and snort among themselves. They are pretty, but they just seem wrong somehow. And what should I say to them? ‘Excuse me but would you mind most awfully if I kissed one of you?’

I figure I’ll play this the same way I always play it.

I’ll sit alone at the bar, make plenty of eye contact and see what happens. It’s as good a way as any to waste some challenge time.

I spin the cocktail out, watching the bar staff – no Lloyds among them – do their stuff. They’re good, efficient, polite, personable. Maybe I could poach one of them.

Several men approach me, but I reject them. I tell the fourth one straight. ‘I’m looking for a woman.’

He blinks. ‘Any woman in particular?’

‘No, just a woman I can kiss.’

‘Well, you know, Soho is just around the corner.’

‘It has to be here.’

‘Has to be?’

‘Yes.’

He checks his watch. ‘Well, you know, I’m meeting a girlfriend here. Maybe she’d be interested.’

‘You’re meeting a girlfriend? So why are you all over me?’

‘We’re open-minded. She’s not my only girlfriend. I’m not her only boyfriend. If you catch my drift.’

‘I catch it precisely. I’m in a similar set-up myself.’

‘My name’s Brad, by the way.’