The Single Dad (Red's Tavern 4)

“Luke, I’m sorry,” I said.

“You don’t have to apologize,” he said. “You’ve made it clear what you are and aren’t looking for.”

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged one shoulder. “You don’t want to date anyone. Both for your sake and the sake of your kids. And you don’t want your ex to know I exist.”

I bit the inside of my cheek. “It’s not that I don’t want her to know you exist, I’m just not ready—”

“I get it, okay?” Luke said. “I don’t fit into your life.”

His words made my heart feel like it was slowly being crushed. “I want you to fit into my life, even if right now everything feels so scary.”

Luke looked at me, something intense behind his eyes. “I need you to know that I understand, Cam. You don’t need to have a reason for it. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready. Okay? We won’t go out in public together again.”

Another boot twisting on top of my heart.

“I don’t like how that feels, either,” I whispered.

Luke let out a long sigh, leaning back on his seat.

I could see the hurt in his eyes. I could feel it. And I knew I had a part in causing that pain, even if I had my reasons for it.

“You know what?” I said finally, feeling some small amount of courage bubble up inside me, working its way past a thick layer of guilt. “Fuck my rules.”

“Cam, no, I know you live by your rules.”

“Fuck ‘em,” I said, swallowing hard. “Even saying it feels hard, and makes me kind of shaky, but right now, I don’t care.”

“Right now, you’re drunk.”

“I’m really not. I had three beers over the course of many hours.”

Luke glanced over at me, a questioning expression on his face.

“I want you to meet my kids,” I said.

He shook his head immediately, sitting up straighter in his seat again. “No. I’m not making you do something you’re not ready for.”

“I told you, I want you to meet my kids,” I said. “Not as a date, but as my friend. Okay?”

“That feels a lot like you’re pushing a boundary because you feel bad for me.”

“I feel bad for myself,” I clarified, lifting an eyebrow. “Every single time I’m with them it passes through my mind. I think about how much they’d like you. How cool they would think you are.”

“But you need a stable environment for them, and you were right about that.”

I threw my hands up, my fingers accidentally hitting the top of the truck. “I hate to say this, but their environment is already unstable,” I said, feeling my throat get tight. “We’re divorced now. It happened. And my kids have to live with that. But I’d rather have them meet a cool friend of mine instead of exist in some sad, lonely house that just doesn’t feel right without their mother in it.”

Luke reached over like he was about to touch my thigh, but he pulled away at the last moment. “You are going through a lot,” he said. “And it’s hard in a way I can’t even comprehend. I know that.”

I nodded, swallowing past the tightness in my throat. “It’s been long enough now. I’m allowed to have a friend over. And I want it to be you.”

My heart was pounding in my chest now. Even as I said all of this, knowing that I was right, my head was swirling with doubt. Was I a good enough father? Could I do this on my own? When was too soon to bring new people over? When might it be too late?

Luke nodded slowly, and finally he let his hand rest on my thigh, running his palm across my leg. The simple warmth calmed me, grounding me even though my world was like a tornado.

“You know that it took me eighteen months to even hook up with anybody after I came home from overseas?” he said.

“Are you serious?”

“Very,” he said. “I kept to myself completely, other than making friends with Lizzy. I worked on my house, my yard, and I got my job at the inn. But I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of being with a guy.”

“Eighteen months,” I said. “Now I feel like a monster for hooking up with you right after my divorce.”

Luke snorted. “But you’d known your relationship was on its way out for a long time, didn’t you?”

I nodded, looking out the passenger side window at the streetlight on the corner. “I knew,” I said. “Rachel and I hadn’t been intimate for at least a year.”

“So it’s not as sudden as it seems,” Luke said. “Things take time.”

“I can’t even picture you going eighteen months without a hookup,” I said.

He had a lopsided grin on his face. “You think of me as that much of a slut, huh?”

I bit my bottom lip. “Well, I love it when you’re slutty with me,” I said.