Messy Love (Stumbling into Love 3)

When we got to our team, Jonathan didn’t stop talking to Mark, but he pulled out a chair and signaled with his head for me to sit in it before taking the seat beside me.

He’d done it as if he’d done it a hundred times before, like it was automatic, making that cookie-feeling heat up inside me again.

Mark announced he was buying a pitcher of beer for each table. No one argued because, you know, free beer.

I put my hand on Jonathan’s thigh and leaned in close. “I’m buying your lunch, handsome.”

I felt like I’d won the lottery when he grinned at me and didn’t argue.

There were lots of laughs and conversation from there. Jonathan turned into a chatty motherfucker around baseball friends after he hit a home run. Most of the time, I sat back and watched him as he talked shit and made jokes and got to know people. This was exactly what I’d wanted for him—for Jonathan to feel comfortable in his skin, to find friends, and to realize that his life might be different now, but it would be better. Now he could truly live.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Jonathan

We stayed at the restaurant for hours. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d enjoyed myself more than I had today—really the past two weeks as a whole—and it was all because of the man sitting beside me.

Mark was telling me about a job he and his crew were working on. A few of our teammates, Kurt, Benji, and Jerome, were at the table with us, everyone jumping in to respond to Mark about what he was saying and telling their own stories as well.

Danny had been quiet. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe he was tired since he’d said he hadn’t slept well the night before. I looked over at him, and he was watching me. He stuck his tongue out, and I pretended to try and grab it before winking at him.

“On that note, I think I need to head out.” Mark stood.

“I should probably too,” Jerome said. Everyone began to agree. We settled the bills, everyone taking care of their own except Danny, who paid for mine, while I paid for Mark’s. Then we were making our way out of the restaurant and saying goodbyes.

“I can give you a ride,” Mark offered.

“You don’t have to do that. We can walk.” I turned to Danny. “You don’t mind?”

“Nah, I’m fine with walking. That way you don’t have to fight traffic to drop us off.”

Mark nodded. “Sure. Do you need anything from your bags? If not, I can just bring them to practice with me.”

“I’m good,” I replied.

“Me too,” Danny added.

“All right. See you guys on Tuesday,” Mark said, and turned toward the parking garage.

We started walking, and Danny nudged me with his arm. “What’s up, Mister Game Winner?”

“I think you should always call me that from now on.”

“You wish.”

“It was worth a try.” We kept walking, and when he stayed quiet, I asked, “You feeling okay? You’ve been…subdued.”

“Is that your way of telling me I’m usually obnoxious?”

“Shut up.” I bumped him with my arm the way he’d done with me a moment before. “Can I tell you something?”

“You can tell me anything.”

“I’m not sure…fuck, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like myself as much as I did today.” He glanced over at me, something unreadable in his expression. Somehow, that look gave me the push to keep going. “My whole life I’ve been the guy who likes sports, even though I haven’t played since high school. Who builds things and works with his hands and has a group of loudmouthed, beer-drinking friends. And while I was a part of that and I fit in some ways, I didn’t in others because I was carrying a secret around. Every day it got heavier and heavier. Hard to hold, yet harder to set free, because in doing that, I felt like I would lose who I was, like it meant I had to be someone different or I wouldn’t fit in where I always had.

“Then I came out, and I was still carrying all that weight, afraid I didn’t fit, that people had a problem with who I was, and some of them did. I felt comfortable with Will and even his friends when it came to my sexuality. But as much as I like everyone, I didn’t feel like I totally belonged there either. Again, they were Will’s friends and people who had stuff in common with Will. I hope that doesn’t make me sound like a dick. Everyone is great. I enjoy hanging out with them and I appreciate the way they’ve accepted me.” It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him about going home for Dad’s birthday, but I didn’t. I wasn’t sure why I held that so close to my chest.