Messy Love (Stumbling into Love 3)

“Maybe they’re not sure how to act because they don’t want to do or say the wrong thing. Or maybe they’re being dickheads, I don’t know. But maybe you’re not being the same with them either, which adds to their insecurity.”

My insides turned to ice. I pulled my hand away from his. I thought he was the one person who got me, who had my back. “So it’s my fault?”

“Don’t do that. Don’t put words in my mouth. I didn’t say that. It’s no one’s fault. But the dynamics have changed, and you could all be trying to figure out how to navigate them. Even if it’s coming from them, ignoring them or never seeing them isn’t going to fix anything. They’re still your brothers, your family. Unless they’re homophobic assholes, there has to be a way to work through it. You can’t run away from them forever.”

I’d lost friends when I’d come out. My brothers had changed around me. Where it used to be the three of us, they’d put a wall between us, going out without me. They were the ones who couldn’t accept me for being gay, and I was supposed to ignore that? “They’re… You know what? Never mind. I don’t want to talk about this.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m trying to be a good friend. Family doesn’t leave. They’re supposed to stay.”

I didn’t respond. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say to that.

We were quiet for the rest of the way back to our apartment.

Danny closed and locked the door behind us. “I’m tired. Do you want to come to bed and watch a movie with me?”

“Nah, I’m not sleepy. I think I’m going to change and go for a jog.”

He stared at me for a moment, something I couldn’t read in his eyes, then just said, “Okay,” and went to his room without another word.

“Fuck,” I cursed. I was screwing this up, but I’d known I wouldn’t be good at it from the start. Still, I went to my room, changed, then headed out for a run. The whole time, I kept flashing back to the disappointment in Danny’s eyes, and then the way he’d smile at me, the little ways he showed me he was always in my corner.

The way he made me feel. Like I was okay just the way I was, and I didn’t even mean about being gay. Just me—Jonathan.

My feet seemed to have a mind of their own, carrying me back to the apartment. His bedroom door was closed.

I grabbed some clothes and went to the shower, thinking about him in the bed and how it was where I wanted to be. I’d wanted to be there from the moment I said no. Now he’d closed me out, and I deserved it.

But then…then I found myself there, hair wet from my shower, wearing nothing but my underwear. I knocked.

When I heard a soft, “Come in,” I went.

His lights were off, but the glow of the city through his window enabled me to see him. I knew that under the sheet, Danny would be naked. He always slept that way.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight with you. I don’t know why I’m so fucked up when it comes to my brothers, but I don’t wanna fight with you. You’re… I know it’s crazy and makes no sense, but sometimes you feel like the only person in the world who knows me, even better than I know me, and—”

“Jesus, you fuckin’ wreck me. Come here,” Danny said, and again, I went. He pulled the blanket back, and I climbed in, lay on top of him, boxed him in with my arms.

“Hi.”

He grinned. “Hi.”

He was naked like I knew he would be. I pushed my hips against his as my erection swelled. I leaned down, nudged his nose with mine, chuckled when my hair fell forward and he blew it out of his face.

I’d never felt this way about anyone. I didn’t know how to put it into words, so I just leaned in, hoped he felt my sincerity and apology in the way I kissed him, in how I sucked his tongue and fed him mine, before making a trail down his neck, throat, chest, stomach.

“I want to suck you.” I’d given head before, but only within the past year. Before that, I’d been a greedy bastard who got a quick hand or blowjob, then bailed.

I kissed his stomach, savored the feel of Danny beneath me. I loved that we never rushed together.

“I’m not gonna argue.”

His response, as always, was exactly what I needed.

I made my way down his body, until I settled between his spread thighs. Danny had a gorgeous cock, long, with a darker head, tight balls, and his black hair neatly trimmed.