Hold Me Close (Bridgewater County 4)

“Have I ever bailed on my responsibilities?” I asked, running my hand through my hair. “Give me some credit. If I said I’d commit to you and Rachel and help raise a child, then I’ll do it.”

Some of the tension eased from Ethan but he still looked frustrated. “I just don’t understand. You’ve got everything you want right here—”

“No,” I interrupted. “You have everything you want. You never wanted to leave Bridgewater. Running a ranch has always been your dream. But it wasn’t mine.”

Shit, that had come out wrong. Ethan looked like I’d just sucker punched him.

I dropped my head back with a groan, stared at the ceiling. “Look, I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant. I love what we have here. The business, our relationship with Rachel…it’s perfect.”

Ethan studied me quietly. “But?” he finally prompted.

“But you’ve got to understand. I lost everything I’d spent my whole life working toward with one bad pitch. While I love what I’ve got right now, pro baseball was always my dream. And I had it. For a little while I was on top of the world. Is it so wrong that I want to be a part of that again?”

He was quiet and I knew better than to push him. “What about us?” he asked. “The three of us. How does our family fit into your dreams?”

I ran a hand through my hair again because that was the million dollar question and the one I didn’t have an answer for. “I don’t know. But I’ll find a way to make it work. I promise you that.”

He nodded, but he seemed far from happy with this conversation. When he started to walk away, I stopped him. “Where are you going?”

He didn’t turn back around to face me. “I’m going to find Rachel and make sure she’s not upset. She’s got enough on her plate without worrying that one of her future husbands has decided to take off on her.”

I winced, but he didn’t see it. “I’ll talk to her.”

He shook his head as he reached for the door. “I’ll go. You’ve got a plane to catch.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN

RACHEL

It was my own fault, really. I shouldn’t have eavesdropped. My mother would have told me that I couldn’t expect to hear something good when I was listening in on a private conversation. I hadn’t meant to linger outside the door, but their raised voices made me freeze as I came back from dealing with guests.

Have I ever bailed on my responsibilities? I heard Matt’s voice loud and clear through the door. If I said I’d commit to you and Rachel and help raise a child, then I’ll do it.

My heart plummeted at those words. It was the tone of his voice that did it—he sounded so bitter. So resentful. This was everything I’d feared.

If I was being honest, I’d known what was coming the moment Matt told us about the job possibility. I’d seen the way his eyes lit up with excitement when he talked about getting back to professional baseball, and I couldn’t blame him. He’d been really good, famous even, for his pitching record. I’d gotten to know him well over the past few weeks. Well enough that getting back to his former world meant everything to him. Why wouldn’t he want to go back to a life of glamour, excitement...and beautiful women throwing themselves at his feet?

A numbness set in as I moved away from the door. I didn’t want to hear anymore. I didn’t need to. What I heard had been enough for me to see the reality that was staring me in the face.

I was a burden. And if I told them about the baby I was carrying, the baby would add to their burden a million times over. I groaned at the odd feeling of the plug in my ass. Tears stung the back of my eyes as I gathered my purse and headed directly for the bathroom. They’d put it in as part of sexy times—that’s what I called our playing—but I wasn’t in the mood for it now. I went into the stall, winced as I tugged it out. After tossing the stupid thing in the trash, I washed my hands. Studied my face, then went straight to the parking lot. Yeah, this sucked.

I didn’t think to tell anyone I was leaving…what was the point? I’d have to quit my job anyways. There was no way I could keep working for Ethan once this relationship came to an end.

Relationship. No, that’s not what this was and I should have seen that all along. It was more like a tryst. My bosses and I had sex. A lot. And those sexy times? Yeah, they’d been fun, but that was it. Nothing more.

I clutched my stomach in a vain attempt to keep the nausea at bay. Sure, they talked a good game about knowing I was the one, but I should’ve known they’d get tired of me. For the past three weeks, I’d felt like I was living in a dream world. Everything had been so great, so perfect. Too perfect. Almost too good to be true. And today I’d landed back in reality with a thud. Not only did I find out that I was having a baby, their baby, but I discovered the harsh reality. I’d be raising it alone. I should’ve just gotten involved with the damn turkey baster and the donor sperm. My heart wouldn’t be hurting right now if I had.

I got into my car and drove home in a daze, still too numb to cry as my brain replayed Matt’s words. I almost wished he’d been a jerk about it. In a way, it would have been easier to end things if he’d said he was bailing outright. That he didn’t care about me or any potential baby.

But that wasn’t Matt’s way any more than it was Ethan’s. They were good men. Solid, dependable, loyal, and loving. If they made a commitment, they honored it, even if it stopped them from pursuing their dreams.

I loved that about them, but I refused to be the person holding them back. It wasn’t fair, to them or to me. And it certainly wouldn’t be fair to this child. I was the one who’d wanted a baby, and I’d intended to raise a baby alone up until Ethan and Matt insisted otherwise.

If Matt wanted to go back to the pros, I wasn’t going to stop him. I wanted him happy, not shackled to me.

When I parked my car in the driveway, I sat there for a few moments and focused on my breathing. To think, just this morning I’d been so excited. I’d taken a pregnancy test before work and had planned on telling them over dinner. They were virile. They definitely had strong swimmers because it had probably happened that first night in the hotel room in Helena. I’d been ovulating then, the reason for that specific day to go to the sperm bank.

I should be thankful I hadn’t told them yet. There was no way Matt would leave for San Francisco if he knew they had a child on the way. He was far too noble to walk out on a pregnant woman. His dreams would wither and die while I grew big and fat.