The Beautiful Widow

‘You’re not making me feel better. I wanted you to say I’d done the right thing and good riddance.’

‘To Steel Landry? No can do. Tell him you’ve changed your mind,’ Poppy urged. ‘Cry a bit and fall on his manly chest—they can never resist that, especially if you’re saying he was right and you were wrong.’

Toni had thought she’d never smile again, but now the corners of her mouth turned up. ‘You look like the backbone of the WI, all home-made jam and sponge cakes and church fetes. How come you’re such an out and out vamp under the skin?’

‘I could tell you stories about one or two WI members that would make your hair curl,’ Poppy said, grinning. ‘But seriously, don’t let this one slip out of the net. He might have had more than a brief affair on his mind and you’ll only know if you give him a chance and chill out a bit.’

Toni gazed at her friend over her coffee cup, her smile dying. ‘I love him, Poppy. That’s the thing. And whether he wanted me just for a while or something more permanent, I still can’t be with him. You’ve seen him. He’s …’

‘Oh, yes,’ Poppy agreed.

‘And rich and powerful—the whole package. I wouldn’t know how to go about keeping a man like that. I wouldn’t be able to. And then it would be a question of trying to ignore his little … indiscretions, and I’d die, inch by inch.’

‘I think you might be doing him an injustice. Who says he’s going to play around? He’s drop-dead gorgeous, yes, but even sublime beings like him are allowed to find “the one".’

‘And what if I’m not the one? What then?’

Poppy stared at her, suddenly deadly serious. ‘I know you love him, but do you trust him?’ she said very quietly as the noise upstairs reached new heights. ‘You’ve seen him almost every day for six months and you’ve worked closely with him on and off. And all those late-night cosies when everyone else had gone home. With all you’ve learnt about him, do you trust him?’

Toni’s eyes were stricken. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Richard undermined you when he was alive and even more when he died and you found out the truth. The male sex suddenly became unreliable and treacherous and devious, I can understand that. Perhaps I shouldn’t have asked if you trusted Steel. Perhaps I should have asked if you trust yourself.’

There was suddenly a huge thud upstairs that rocked the ceiling, followed by howls loud enough to wake the baby in her crib by the side of the kitchen table. As Poppy ran upstairs to see what was what Toni picked up the infant and reassured little Rose, who was looking worried. When Poppy came back all four children were in tow, Nathan with an egg-sized lump on his forehead and sniffling, looking very sorry for himself.

‘They were playing Superman,’ Poppy said ruefully, ‘and Nathan tried to “fly” off the top bunk. We’re all going to have a drink and a biscuit now, aren’t we?’ she added to the four subdued children. ‘And then we’re going to do some nice drawing and colouring at the kitchen table where Mummy and Aunty Toni can keep an eye on you.’

It was the end of further meaningful conversation.

That night as she lay in bed Toni thought about Poppy’s last words; they had been very profound, especially considering it had been Poppy speaking. At three in the morning she still hadn’t gone to sleep, and at five she gave up all hope of dropping off and got up and made herself a hot drink.

It was bitterly cold outside, the frosted windowpane in the kitchen telling its own story. Snow was forecast in the next few days and everyone was predicting a white Christmas. The kitchen was freezing, the central heating hadn’t come on yet, but the chill inside Toni was worse.

She stood at the back door, her hands wrapped round the hot coffee cup as she surveyed Jack Frost’s handiwork. Poppy was right. She didn’t trust herself any more: her judgement, her self-worth, her discernment—not in matters of the heart anyway. Maybe if she had met Steel five years from now, when she’d had time to sort herself out and get back on an even keel again, it would have been different. But she hadn’t. And it wasn’t different. She was too frightened of making another huge mistake, and this time she knew she would never recover if it went wrong. So it was better to walk away now. It might be the wrong decision, she’d never know, but, even if it was, it was preferable to staying with him and everything coming unstuck at some time in the future if her worst fears came true. Cowardly it might be, but that was what self-survival came down to sometimes.

By the time the girls came downstairs she was washed and dressed and breakfast was on the table. She was in control again, she told herself firmly. Everything would pan out. Soon she would stop crying when she was in bed at night and feel like eating again. The new project on Steel’s house was already underway and she would be spending plenty of time on site; so she wouldn’t see much of him, she could make sure of that. He, himself, had made that possible when he’d insisted on giving her carte blanche regarding everything from the alterations and colour schemes to the furniture and fittings.

And once the house was finished—a hard knot formed in her stomach—she would leave; and she had already given Steel a letter of resignation stating this, to which he had agreed with a curt nod of his head as he had read it. She had made some inroad into paying off Richard’s debts; the rest would have to happen more slowly when she found another job. All this wasn’t the end of the world.

It just felt like it.

Toni worked hard over the next few weeks. She fell into bed each night too exhausted to think, but once she was in dream land her subconscious played all sorts of tricks on her and she couldn’t keep Steel at bay. Each morning she awoke feeling more tired than when she had gone to bed, but she forced herself to get up, shower and start the day.

Christmas came and went and the girls were ecstatic when they had a sprinkling of snow on Christmas Eve. Steel gave each employee a Christmas bonus, and when she opened her envelope she could scarcely believe her eyes when she saw the noughts after the ten. ‘Ten thousand pounds?’ She went straight in to see him, holding the envelope in her hand. ‘I didn’t expect anything like this. It’s too much.’

‘Everyone gets a healthy bonus twice a year. It’s a good incentive,’ he answered, without looking up from the papers he was working on. ‘The money is already in your account.’

She stood staring down on the dark head, knowing if she tried to say anything more she’d burst into tears, and then left the room.

He sent Amelia and Daisy parcels through the post too, with a small card saying the exquisite little gold charm bracelets were from the ‘steel man'. Toni’s mother oohed and ahhed over them to the girls but made no comment to Toni. They’d had to agree to disagree over her finishing with Steel and it was now a forbidden subject. Toni made Christmas special for the girls but she was glad when the ‘jolly’ season was over, and everyone she came into contact with was miserable because they’d spent too much, eaten too much and drunk too much. It fitted her mood.

The one thing that kept her going, apart from Amelia and Daisy, was the work on Steel’s house. She’d fallen in love with the magnificent old cottage and was determined each alteration and each room would be perfect, as the house deserved. This was to be her swansong with Steel’s firm and everything had to be right. She wouldn’t allow herself to picture Steel living here with another woman, starting a family, enjoying winter evenings together in front of a roaring fire or summer afternoons with cucumber sandwiches and lemonade on the patio while watching the children play in the fresh air. She’d had one day when she had made the mistake of indulging such notions and had got herself into such a state she had been physically sick.

January was a month of heavy blue-grey skies and squalls of blustery sleet and icy rain, but the wave of thick snow that had been forecast way back in December had never materialised. The army of workmen employed on site had meant the project flowed without interruption, and in the first week of February Toni could finally say the job was all but finished.

She’d had in

termittent contact with Steel during the last two months. When she was in the office he made no effort seek her out, but when she had to consult with him about something he was always businesslike and agreeable. Once or twice she had caught him staring at her, but there was never any readable expression on his face. As far as she knew he wasn’t dating, but he could have been. That was something else she didn’t allow herself to think about.