Something She Can Feel

“I understand.”

“How did Jr look at church?”

“Jr’s Jr. You know how he is. Have you spoken to him?”

“We were on the phone all last night. He said he wants me to come home.”

“Come home?” I dropped my purse to the floor. “After what happened? He has some nerve. I mean, what did he say? Does he love that woman?”

“He said she’s just some woman from the church. She’s been chasing behind him and he got caught up. He was upset about us not having a baby ... and she was there.”

“That’s bullshit. All these years he’d been lying to you ... to his family because he was upset about not having a baby?”

“Your brother is really sensitive. He struggles with a lot.”

May’s voice was sad but a little sympathetic in a way I hadn’t expected. Here she was, being made a fool of and she was still thinking of Jr’s feelings.

“And so do I,” I said. “It hasn’t been easy for me either living in my family, but I’ve tried.”

“There’s a lot of stuff going on that you don’t know about. Jr’s protected you.”

“He’s just been lying,” I said. “He’s a selfish man. Always has been and—”

I stopped myself. I realized I was sounding angry and probably making matters worse. I didn’t want to burden May.

“So, what about the baby? Is it his?”

“He thinks it is. Say’s he’ll take a paternity test if I come home.”

I sighed and fought so hard not to curse. Jr had some nerve.

“Do you want to go home?”

May was quiet. She slid the Bible closer to her and closed it.

“I don’t know.” She paused. “You know, I never thought Jr would even marry me—didn’t think anyone would. When I met him, I thought he’d find out who I was and then just dismiss me. Jr’s so particular and with my family’s past—you know how people can be.”

I nodded my head. Even in 2008, after most myths had subsided, a lot of people still secretly believed in these things. They didn’t say it, but they thought it.

“But Jr was always so impressed with my walk with the Lord,” she went on. “He said I was the kind of woman he needed by his side. In love with the Lord first and him second. I was overjoyed when he even asked me out. Thought maybe the reason I’d gone to church with my grandmother and learned my Bible so well was finally paying off. I had a real good man. Someone who had his faults but loved me and wanted so much to be good. We could make something together. Start our own church even.”

“I remember you telling him to do that,” I said.

“But he wouldn’t leave your father, and he just kept cracking, trying to make your father happy. I knew I lost him when it was obvious I couldn’t have babies. Wasn’t no shot gonna fix that. It’s the Lord’s will.”

“You can’t tell me you believe that stuff,” I protested.

“It’s in the Word, Journey.”

“There ain’t nothing in that Bible that says a bunch of stuff that happened before you were born

will make you unable to conceive.”

“Jr deserves a child.”

“And you deserve to be happy. We all do.”

“I know that. And sometimes I get so angry at myself. But I can’t change this. Jr is my husband.”