What He's Been Missing

The little saucers went around. And we ate. We stuffed the sweet little cakes into our mouths and wrestled with the notion of the ongoing war as the strawberries provided an interesting distraction for our taste buds. They were so good at such a bad time.

The only neutral nation at the table, Swiss Scarlet, kept the conversation going by sharing every little step she’d put into making the cake. The organic strawberries. Expensive flour. Cane sugar. She’d followed the recipe exactly. And “anyone could be a cook if they just followed instructions.”

“Good thing you like to cook,” I said, seeing the perfect new weapon to draw. “Since you won’t be going back to school, you can be our Ian’s own little chef!”

“What?” Ian looked at me like I’d said the most ridiculous thing. “Scarlet’s going back to school. She’s starting her graduate program in the fall.” He turned to her.

“I was telling Rachel in the kitchen that I was thinking about not going back to school right now . . . that maybe since we’

d just gotten married I could stay home and focus on the house. You know?”

“No, Scarlet, I don’t,” Ian said. “And why would you share something like that with Rachel before you—”

“Oh no!” I cut Ian off. “You know what, I’m sorry. Scarlet did say it was a secret. I was confused. I couldn’t remember if that was the secret or the baby! Wait, whoops!” I laughed like a confused little old lady and dabbed the corners of my mouth with my napkin. TAKE THAT! JAB! KABOOM!

“Whoa!” Xavier dropped his fork.

“Baby?” Ian turned his whole body to Scarlet.

“No—I’m not pregnant,” Scarlet said. “I was just telling Rachel that I—well, we—so, I—and a baby—we said we’d have one someday!” She was so tongue-tied her face was turning red.

I actually felt bad that she’d come into contact with combat, but her ally was too close to the fire for her to miss all the shots.

“I was just talking,” she said.

“Just talking? You don’t just talk to people about things like that,” Ian said. “You come to me first. I’m your husband. You make decisions with me—not Rachel.”

Scarlet’s eyes went wet with humiliation and then everyone at the table felt sudden shame.

“You ready to go?” Xavier announced.

“Yes,” I answered.

Xavier started to get up and I tried to move with him, but he stopped me.

“I’ll go get the car. You can wait up here,” he instructed.

“I’m fine,” I said.

“Rach, you were complaining about your shoes walking to the door earlier. I’ll get the car and pick you up right downstairs.”

“But I can walk.”

“Listen to your man!” Xavier said. He looked at Ian. “See what us brothers have to deal with?”

Xavier said good-bye to Ian and Scarlet and left to get the car.

Ian started helping Scarlet carrying plates and such into the kitchen and, needing air or just a way out of the debacle, I got my purse and went out to stand on the front balcony so I could see Xavier when he pulled up.

Ian only lived on the second floor, but the view of twinkling lights that dotted the midtown skyline made it seem like I was up in the sky with the stars. On so many nights, Ian and I had sat out there and talked about our dreams. Where we were going and what we wanted. So many nights, I’d told him about the love I was looking for. How I felt like I couldn’t live, that I wouldn’t live until I’d found it.

It was getting cool. But I let the breeze blow pocks all over my shoulders.

The glass door slid open and I knew it was Ian stepping outside. I could feel his energy. As tight as mine. For what? He was quiet.

“You don’t want me to be happy,” I said, still looking at the lights. “I don’t know why. You know how much this means to me.”

“It just isn’t right, Rach,” Ian said. “It’s not for you. It’s just a feeling I have. This isn’t right for you.”