What He's Been Missing

“I’m sorry, Rach. I really want to, but I—I can’t right now.

“What do you mean you can’t? Why?”

“It’s Xavier. Being here, it’s all I can think about. That he was here. That he was in this room with you. Kissing you just like I’m trying to do right now. Every night when I get into that bed in there with you, I think that he’s been there. It’s like he’s still here.”

I hadn’t told Ian, but Xavier had emailed me twice asking if we could speak. I didn’t respond because I didn’t know what say. If there was anything to say. But I’d felt X’s energy in the loft, too. His toothbrush was gone, but I still had the organic toothpaste he’d purchased. And every place I’d been to in the city, even though I’d been there forever without him, it seemed like none of it mattered until I’d gone there with him.

“What about Scarlet?” I asked. “You don’t think I think about her? About you two? She’s the one you married. The one who has your last name. I’m just second. Not even second. I’m like a mistress or your whore.”

“Don’t do that,” he said.

“What’s up with her? We know where Xavier is. Where’s Scarlet? Is she still at your place? My God, you haven’t told me anything.”

“She’s fine.”

“So you talk to her?”

“We had lunch a few times.”

“What the fuck?” I pulled away from Ian. The song went off and then started playing again on repeat. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s nothing. I’m still here. Right? I’m where I want to—”

“Yeah, I heard that before. What’s going on with you two?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. Just level with me. Before you asked me to just talk to you like your friend; now I need you to do that for me.”

“Nothing’s happening.”

“Are you getting a divorce? Getting separated? What?” I screamed.

“It’s too soon to say.”

“What?” I felt a chill. “It’s been two weeks, Ian.”

“Two weeks isn’t a long time,” he said.

“Yes, it is if you’re living with a woman.” I went and turned off the stereo with the remote. I started blowing out the candles.

“What? Wait! Stop!”

“You said you knew. You said you were sure.”

“I am.”

“Then why won’t you get a divorce?” I didn’t even know where this was coming from. I was building into a rage. My tears went from joy to anger.

“It’s just two weeks. It’s going to take time.”

“You don’t even want to touch me. We don’t kiss. We don’t have sex,” I listed.

“You didn’t seem too excited to kiss me just now either.”

“I’m nervous!” I screamed.

“About what?”