His to Command

Kate sipped her coffee. How had such a wonderful beginning led her to such heartache?

“Did you love him?”

The unexpected question caught her off guard. She stared at the arrangement of pink silk roses on the center of the table. She didn’t have to think about the answer. She thought about it every night before she went to sleep and every morning after she woke up. Her dreams wouldn’t let her forget. Nights full of passion, and pain.

“Yes, I loved him.”

“So why did you break it off?”

Oh, damn, she couldn’t answer that. At least, not the whole reason. She tightened her fingers around the mug, refusing to think about the nightmare that had torn her from Matt.

She grabbed a cookie and nibbled. Maybe it would be good for her to tell Ellen part of it. To share what she’d never shared with anyone before.

“I…” Her free hand bunched into a fist. This was hard. She set the cookie down. “When I was with Matt, I didn’t like how I behaved.”

Ellen’s eyebrows raised, but she said nothing.

“Matt was always strong-willed and when we were … together…” She glanced at Ellen. “He was very dominating.”

Ellen’s eyes narrowed. “So, in the bedroom he was too rough with you?”

“No, not that. It’s not the way he was, it’s the way I reacted to him.”

At Kate’s hesitation, Ellen shook her head. “I’m not quite getting it.”

“I became another woman. He took command, and I wanted him to. I wanted him to totally control me.” She drew in a deep breath. “And that bothered me.”

“Really? Because there’s nothing wrong with a little role-playing in the bedroom … as long as he didn’t take things too far.”

He had gone too far, but that’s not what Kate wanted to talk about.

“But to totally submit to a man? It didn’t feel right.”

“They why did you allow it?”

Kate shook her head. “It’s not that I allowed it. As I said, I wanted it. I needed it.” She stood up and paced. “The closer we got, the more I gave up to him. I felt I was losing myself.”

“Did he take advantage of your submission? Pressure you to do things you didn’t want to do?

”

A memory flashed through her mind. Of lying in bed, Matt stroking her cheek with a loving look in his eyes.

“No, never.” Her jaw clenched. But that wasn’t really true. At the end, during that party …

“Kate, are you okay?”

She drew in another deep breath. “Of course.” She gazed at Ellen. “It wasn’t about what Matt did.”

Again, that wasn’t quite true. Ultimately, it had been what Matt did that caused her to walk away, but even before that, Kate had struggled with the relationship, and still didn’t understand why she’d behaved the way she had.

“It’s about why I submitted to him so completely.”

“And why is that?” Ellen asked.

“That’s the thing. I really don’t understand it.”

“Well, okay. Tell me a bit about your childhood.”