Losing Control
Still he frowns, and his sincerity is reaching inside me and chipping away at every defensive wall I’ve put in place. I squeeze my thighs around him and wriggle my body to get comfortable.
‘Please.’
His eyes flicker and slowly, so slowly, he eases out of me, tension pulsing in his jaw. ‘Stop me if it hurts.’
He looks so serious, torn between taking his own pleasure and looking out for mine. I love him for it. No, not love—desire. I desire him all the more for it.
‘It’s only ever been you,’ he repeats softly, and my wetness is slick along his length as he re-enters me, my body taking more and more of him with each gentle thrust until he’s striking at the very heart of me and I can feel the tension vibrating through his body.
‘Only you,’ he stresses emphatically.
The spasm of pleasure as he enters me is all the more powerful for his words and I don’t know how to respond. My messed-up thoughts merge into each other and I keep quiet, losing myself in sensation, in every heartfelt thrust of his body. I match his tempo and as it turns jagged, I grip around him, keep him where I want him, where I need him and I don’t think any more. I say what’s in my heart and let go. ‘It’s only ever been you, Cain.’
* * *
‘It’s only ever been you...only ever been you...only you...’
I’m between sleeping and waking, her words replaying through my mind, and I grin as warmth spreads through me. I roll over, blindly seeking her out, and wake with a start. I’m alone. Very much alone.
I launch bolt upright up in bed, my palms pressing into the mattress either side of me as I scan the room.
Where the hell is she?
I blink through a sleep-induced haze to see the sun is only just creeping through the blinds, and as I sweep my palm over the space next to me I can feel her residual body heat still there.
Is she in the kitchen making coffee? Making breakfast?
My heart soars and then immediately plummets, my fingers clawing at the bedsheets where she lay. There is no distant sound of movement, no smell of coffee in the air, and I know in my heart that she has gone.
I fall onto my back and stare up at the ceiling, replaying the night in all its glory—everything we did, everything that was said. We were desperate to sate our thirst, eager to fill the gap of seven years apart. Hell, we were eager to show one another how much we’d cared, how much we still cared for one another... Or so I thought.
Why didn’t she at least wake me? Say goodbye?
I throw off the quilt, push off the bed and pull on my gym gear, keen to sweat every answer out of me.
Because there’s only one reason. No, two...
Either she’s still in love with Liam or she can’t move on from the past... And that means she can’t love me back...
Love me back?
My throat convulses. I am in love with her. I never stopped being in love with her. Despite the betrayal, the years apart, I love her more now than ever.
And she’s gone.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I’M RUNNING SO FAST that my lungs are burning and my heart is thumping like crazy in my ears, but I press my earphones in tighter and up my pace. I can’t let the guilt in, the pain, the pleasure...the incredible, intoxicating pleasure of being back in his bed. I can’t be that weak again. I won’t be.
But you love him—you know you do—that’s why it hurts all the more.
I pound the trail harder, my tear-streaked face looking out to sea, grateful that Howth Head is quiet at this time of the morning. Dawn is only just breaking over the horizon and it’s virtually just me and my four-legged Ed against the world. It’s a liberating time of day. Where nothing can encroach and there are no time pressures—just us and the track, the sea and the birds.
But today my gut is weighted, my legs threatening to slow against the burden of it all.
Even now I can hardly bear to think of Rose, to face the pain head-on and cry—because it terrifies me how much it hurts, how I can’t feel whole again without her, how I feel as if something is always missing.
And now with Liam gone, and Robert too, it’s just too much.