Losing Control

You’ve told the truth. No more secrets. No more omissions.

Whatever the future holds, at least it’s all out there now. That has to count for something. But his face, his departure, his...

I don’t realise I’m crying again until my knees give way and I’m on the floor once more.

It hurts. It really hurts.

Cain, Rose, Liam, Robert. The O’Connors. The whole heart-wrenching lot of them...

I wake to the sound of buzzing in my ear, my body stiff and uncomfortable. I’m curled into a tight ball, the floor beneath me hard and cold.

What the...?

My eyes protest as I try to open them, crusted with dried on tears, and I wince as I rub at them. I see my kitchen sideways on and I realise where I am and why. Oh, God. My stomach starts to churn and I wrap my arms around my knees, squeezing tight.

The buzzing starts up again and I remember why I woke. I look towards the hallway. Someone is eager to see me.

The clock on the oven tells me it’s past midnight and I feel a flutter of hope rise up in my chest. Cain. It can only be him.

I push myself to stand, ignore my protesting muscles and head to the intercom. The second I see him on the screen the tears are back, and I cover my hand with my mouth to trap the sob that wants to come out.

His lips are moving, as if he’s saying something on repeat, but there’s no sound forthcoming.

I don’t know whether to buzz him straight in or speak to him first, but I’m conscious of disturbing the whole building.

‘Cain?’

It’s so quiet I’m surprised he hears me, but he does. His whole body tenses, and his eyes are wide as he leans into the camera.

‘Lexi, thank God. Please...let me in.’

I press the button and swiftly he disappears through the door. I head into my bathroom and splash my face with water, towelling it dry. I glance at the mirror. I look like hell. My eyes are puffy, my face blotchy and my hair... I pull it out of the ponytail it’s in and shake it out as I go back into the hall.

I take a breath and open the front door. My stomach is an anxious knot,

my heartbeat wild as hope upon hope builds.

He appears on my landing and then freezes. ‘Lexi.’

His voice is raw, thick, and I can’t say anything. I can’t even swallow to shift the wedge in my throat as the tears are threatening to make a return.

He steps towards me and I back away to let him enter the apartment. His fingers tremble as he rakes them through his hair, and as he passes me by I get the scent of cold night air mixed with the strong scent of beer. He’s been drinking.

My senses sharpen. Cain sober and hurt was crushing. Cain drunk and hurt...

I close the front door and press my palms against it, my head bowed as I take a breath.

It’ll be okay. Whatever he’s here to say, it’ll be okay.

I lock the door and keep my head bowed as I walk past him into the kitchen and put the kettle on again. I can hear him follow in a silence that’s strained and stretching to the point where my nerves can’t take it any more.

I snap. ‘Why are you...?’

I turn around and the question dies on my lips. He’s staring at the box by the desk. Liam’s desk... Liam’s things. His eyes are so filled with anguish that I’m chilled to the bone.

‘Marry me, Lexi.’

My heart skips a beat; my eyes narrow. I can’t have heard him right. I can’t have.