Dirty Addiction (Dirty 2)

He sits down next to me and unwraps his own sandwich. We eat in silence. Both of our eyes stayed glued on my grandfather, looking for any signs of movement or for any signs that he is still in there.

When I’m done eating, I toss my wrapper into the trash can beside the bed. That’s when I realize what will make Killian leave. I realize what will make him go back to bed or to work or to wherever he feels he belongs instead of wasting his time in a hospital room.

I slowly turn to face Killian. I don’t look sad. I don’t look happy. I don’t look like anything. “I have an answer for you.”

I watch as his eyes fill with regret and pain, a face I wasn’t expecting.

“I don’t want to hear it, not until after your grandfather wakes up.”

“My answer isn’t going to change though. Even after he wakes up, I’m still going to have the same answer for you.”

“Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I can’t hear it until after he wakes up.”

I sigh. “Okay.” I don’t feel okay though.

I need to stop pretending that Killian is my future. I need to stop relying on him. I need to stop relying on anyone but myself. I need to be able to make a decision about my life and then deal with the consequences, no matter how awful they are.

I turn back to my grandfather. His eyes open. They open wide.

“Granddad,” I sigh as I stand. I embrace his body in a hug.

“Hi, princess,” he breathes into my ear as his arm comes around me.

When he releases me, we both turn and stare at Killian.

Terror flashes over Killian’s face as he realizes that, at any second, I will give him my answer. But he shouldn’t seem so afraid. He’ll want to hear my answer. My answer will set him free.

“I’ll let the nurses know he’s awake,” he says, leaving the room.

I laugh softly at his reaction.

I wait until the nurses and doctors check Granddad over. I wait until after they tell me he should make a full recovery in a few days. A week, they guessed. Then, he will have to frequently meet with a cardiologist for a while, but he seems to be out of the woods for now. I wait until Killian leaves to call everyone at the office to let them know that Granddad is okay. I wait until Granddad seems comfortable. I wait until he is alone. I wait until I’ll explode if I wait any longer.

“I’m not going to marry him. I refuse. I’m not going to let you or Dad or Mom or anyone else choose for me anymore. I’ve made mistakes in my past, yes. I will always regret those mistakes, but I haven’t been living since I let you guys control me. Since Dad’s death, I’ve tried to make my own decisions. They haven’t always been the best, but I’ve made them for me.”

I pause, giving him a chance to yell at me or tell me I’m wrong.

He doesn’t, so I continue, “I can find my own husband on my own time. I don’t need your help. I don’t need the money either. I might have a stupid degree that I don’t care about, thanks to you, but I’m smart. I can go back and get my MBA. I can go back and get any degree I want. I can make something of myself on my own. I don’t care if I have to live in a box and eat cereal for years until I have enough money to buy a place. But it will be my place. It will be my money.”

I take a deep breath. “I refuse to turn into my mother. I refuse to be that miserable. I won’t marry him,” I say, collapsing into a chair. Standing up to Granddad took everything out of me.

I look at my grandfather who has yet to say a word. Instead, he is just sitting there with a serious look on his face. It probably isn’t fair to him to spring all of this on him, only hours after he woke up from open-heart surgery, but I don’t care. I can’t live without making my own decisions. I can’t keep living like a princess. I have to find my own way in life.

He pats the side of the bed, and I slowly, cautiously get out of my chair and sit on the edge of his bed.

“You’re just like your father.”

I stare at him in confusion.

I loved my father. He was an amazing man, but I’m nothing like him. He was strong where I’m weak. He was decisive where I’m indecisive. He was a workaholic where I’m lost.

I shake my head. “I’m not.”

A smile tugs at Granddad’s lips. “You are. You won’t listen to anyone. You choose your own path. And you defy my every decision, just like him.”

“I never—”

He puts his hand up, stopping me from arguing with him. “I always thought you would fight me till the very end on my decision for you to marry Killian. I don’t think I ever thought you would just follow my command. Maybe, if your father was still alive, you would have listened better to him, but I doubt it. Somehow, I think we would have ended up here, both at odds and neither of us wanting to give in.”