Nervous

She dropped both the ice tray and one of the glasses on the floor. The glass shattered everywhere. “Bullshit! Bullshit!” she screamed.

Momma grabbed a dishrag and bent down to clean up the mess. She wouldn’t even look at me. “Momma, I’m serious.”

“You can’t be serious. You’re not some lunatic.”

“No, I’m not. I just have an illness and I plan to get help for it.” She continued to busy herself with the cleanup efforts like it was no big deal. “That’s why I came to see you today. I need you to be there with me. I can’t go through this alone.”

She finally stopped in her tracks, stood up, and got close enough to me to breathe on my cheek. “Who filled your mind with this nonsense?”

“I’ve been seeing this doctor, Dr. Spencer, and she’s the one who broke it down for me. She explained it and then when I spoke with Daddy, he—”

My mother’s voice went up ten notches. “Wait a minute! When did you speak to Henry? Did he call you?”

“No, he didn’t. Actually, I went to

see him.”

Momma looked like she was suddenly on the brink of tears when she said, “You little ungrateful bitch. How could you betray me like that?”

I knew the mention of my father would get her upset. Momma always expected me to choose her side over his. I was determined to make her see the light, though. “Momma, going to see Daddy wasn’t about betraying you. He’s my father. I have a right to spend time with him.”

“Your father disrespected me. He went out and got that bastard child and totally disgraced both of us.”

“Daddy said none of that was true.” Momma stormed back into the living room. I was getting sick and tired of following her, but I wasn’t about to give up. “He doesn’t know why that woman showed up there that day, but he said he’d never laid eyes on her before.”

She smirked at me. “And you believed him?”

I put my hands on my hips and stood my ground. “Yes.”

“You know what I can’t believe?” she said with a snarl. “I can’t believe you’re turning your back on me.”

That’s when I felt myself getting angry. My mother had always been selfish, thinking the entire world revolved around her. “Momma, can’t you understand that this is not about you!” I screamed at her. “For once, pay attention to me! What I need!”

She slapped me across the face and I was stunned. Momma had never hit me before, not ever.

“How dare you?” she asked. “I’ve taken care of your needs your entire life. When that motherfucker deserted us, I took on sole responsibility for you.”

“Momma, Daddy didn’t desert us,” I said, beginning to cry. “You pushed him away. Maybe you’re the one that needs some of that lemonade. You seem to be delirious.”

Momma went into the foyer and opened the front door. “I won’t listen to any more of this.” She stood there, obviously waiting for me to exit. When I didn’t budge, she yelled, “Get out!”

I sat back down on the sofa, determined to say everything I needed to say before I left. “You have to listen. Think about it. All those times when I said I didn’t do those horrid things. All those times you probably had conversations with me that didn’t seem quite right. Remember our dinner a while back?”

Momma remained by the door. “Yes, you were talking crazy then, too.”

“No, it was because I wasn’t there. Momma, I woke up the next morning with a carryout container full of red meat and had no recollection of ever meeting you for dinner.”

She slammed the door. “What?”

“When I called you up to apologize, I was calling to apologize for not keeping our plans.” She came over and sat down beside me. “I know all of this is hard to comprehend, but listen. I need you to listen because all my life, I’ve been scared to open up and tell the truth.”

Something changed in her face and her demeanor. For once, my mother felt compassion for me. She took my hand and squeezed it gently. “I’m listening, Jonquinette. Tell me everything.”

“There have been countless times, dating back to my childhood, when I simply wasn’t there. I would black out and when I came back, that’s when I would find out what I supposedly did.”

Momma shook her head but continued to hold my hand. “This is crazy.”

“There’s more.” I sighed. “For years, I’ve been waking up with signs of sexual intercourse. Sex that I never had.”