The Other Side of the Pillow

“Like you messed up with Mom?”

My parents’ divorce continued to be a touchy subject, regardless of how many years had elapsed.

“Yes, exactly like how I messed up with your mother.” He sighed and took a guzzle of Gatorade. “I was young, dumb, and full of cum. I was reckless and thought that the world belonged to me. I believed that as long as I took care of things on the home front, everything would be fine. But your mother wasn’t having that shit . . . not at all.”

“Oh, I remember how she went off on you when she found out about your affair. That fight was legendary. The difference between you and me is that I was framed. I never touched Jemistry’s roommate, but it didn’t matter.”

“Tevin, rarely does it matter what’s actual or factual when it comes to women and how they think. All that matters is what they perceive.”

“I see that now.”

“You’re still young, though. You’ll snap back and find someone else.”

“But I don’t want anyone else.”

I untied my Kenneth Cole shoes and kicked them off. My feet were killing me.

“Tell me about Jemistry. What made her so special to you?”

“What good will it do for me to tell you all the reasons why I love a woman that I can never have?”

Daddy shrugged. “Okay, then. Tell me how you plan to move forward. You have to do that, you know. Just like you had to move on after what happened with Estella.”

I leaned forward and buried my face in my hands, took a deep breath, and then looked at Daddy. “I need time to get over this. I’m not ready to date again yet. I’d only be using another woman to fill a void, and that’s not fair.”

“It’s only unfair when the woman doesn’t recognize what you’re doing. Look at me. I haven’t committed to another woman since your mother, but I damn sure haven’t been celibate either.”

“I’ve been there, Dad. After Estella and I divorced, I had plenty of lovers. Even had one a few months before I met Jemistry. I’m not trying to go back to that. That’s like eating a fast-food burger instead of an aged rib-eye steak.”

“Well, the point is that a man’s got to eat. If you don’t get back out there and get laid, it’ll only make things worse. The best way to get over a woman is by taking another woman to bed . . . at least one. And that’s a known fact.”

I smirked. “It’s not a known fact. It’s the typical musings of men who want to have an excuse to have sex with a lot of women.”

“Call it what you want, but if you’re coming home alone every night, or trying to find extra work to do at the hospital so you don’t have to come home at all, you’re going to drive yourself crazy.”

Damn, he’s reading me like a book!

“Break bread with another woman. Go see a movie with one. Let one come over and sit here and talk. See what happens. You’ll eventually find some kind of connection with another woman as you did with Jemistry. If not that kind, just screw her and relax.”

I shook my head. “Daddy, I realize that you’re only trying to help. But is there something wrong with me desiring to be with one woman for the rest of my life? I’m not in my twenties and I’ve already been through one failed marriage. I made a commitment to settle down then. Why wouldn’t I be ready to make a commitment now?”

My father stood and came to sit down beside me. “I understand everything that you’re saying. When you and Estella lost those babies, the entire family went through the pain with you. When your marriage fell apart, same thing. And right now, we’re all in the trenches with you again.” He placed his hand on my knee. “But, son, you can’t make someone be with you, and you can’t waste your life away waiting on a woman who has moved on to come back. How do you know she hasn’t found a new man?”

“For all that I know, she has. Then again, I know Jemistry. She hasn’t gotten involved with anyone else. I’m sure she’s back behind her steel bars, even more bitter toward men than she was before. The sad part is that it’s all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault, Tevin.”

“If she believes it’s my fault, then it’s my fault.”

“She’s probably at least having sex with another man by now.”

The mere thought of someone else touching Jemistry made me angry. Daddy could tell that he shouldn’t have said that.

“Not that I know enough about her to say all of that,” he added.

I sat there in silence for a moment. Daddy got up and went to the restroom. When he returned, he didn’t bother to sit back down.

“Get up. Let’s go. I’m hungry and I already peeped your fridge. Nothing interesting. I want some seafood. Let’s go to Mo’s in Baltimore.”