Emotional Turmoil

“There is no us, Bella. There’s the kids, and then the woman who kept them from me and still thinks she can dictate everything that happens. Good luck with that, honey. Because I have no intention of letting you relegate me to three hours on Sundays.”

“So you want to become the central figure in their lives? Primary caregiver? Which one is allergic to cinnamon, then? What antihistamine is the only one they can tolerate? Tell me the brand of underwear I have to buy Caden so the seams don’t hurt and where the dance leotards have to come from for Corinne. Prove to me that you’re ready to take over and do everything I do for these children.”

“That information would be nothing more than the contents of a single email. All of your so-called crucial knowledge about these kids and what they like and what they don’t like, you could make a simple list, and I’d have what I needed to know.”

“It’s that easy? You think it’s that simple? You’re just ready to raise twins on your own now?”

“Not on my own. I will have an excellent staff at my disposal. As it is, one of the bedrooms in my penthouse is currently being refitted as a playroom while another will be decorated for them to share.”

“So you’ll just move them in and install a nanny?”

“I intend to have child care in place when they’re with me in case I have to work or have a previous engagement. Surely, I don’t have to explain the need for reliable child care to a single working mother.”

“Do you think you’re going to have them overnight without Maria or me there? Because I don’t think it’s time for that yet.”

“You seem to have misunderstood my level of interest in what you think about all this. Your judgment isn’t my top priority.”

“The twins need me, and they need to know they’re secure, safe. That I’m always there for them.”

“They need to learn that there are other adults they can depend on as well. You’re no longer the star of this show, honey.”

“Why are you being so mean, Harvey? I want to help integrate you into their lives smoothly, but you won’t let me. You have to have it your way.” She shook her head sadly.

“Mean? I’m mean?” He stalked over to her and took her by the shoulders, “I’m in hell, Bella. The only woman I’ve ever loved kept the biggest secret because she didn’t trust me. Which means I can’t trust her. And I can love you, but still not know if I can ever forgive you. Can you imagine what that feels like? Then throw in two kids you’ve never met before.” He raked a hand through his hair and took a long breath, “Just get out.”

Bella left, unsure what she had accomplished with that, except having the biggest fight of her life with Harvey. It felt like a disaster. A broken heart. What she’d heard most of all was that he had loved her but he couldn’t trust her any longer. She walked out of work and sat in her Corvette, the car he’d given her, and cried. She wept into her hands, trembling and sobbing, knowing she’d lost him.

Knowing she might lose her children as well. It was the worst thing she could imagine. There was no way she could see how her future could be good after this. It took her a long time to calm down, and she ended up feeling hollow and hopeless. She went home early, sat in her empty townhouse and looked at the pictures on the wall, the baby pictures, the preschool portraits, the ballet recital photo that she’d just put in a frame. The faces of her beautiful, innocent babies who were about to be torn apart by very grown-up problems.

Her phone lit up with a message from Harvey that he expected to see the children on Saturday. She replied that she’d arrange for the nanny to bring them to the indoor trampoline park near their house so they could play together. She assured him she’d stay home, so he wouldn’t have to see her.

It hurt her just to think of it, of not being there to video them when they tried to do tricks on the trampolines and scale the climbing walls. Still, he could have time with him, without her. Which was what he wanted. She bit her lip when he replied ‘okay.’ She had hoped foolishly that he’d say he wished she’d join them, that they could be there as a family, that he wanted them all to be together.

It was the happy ending she’d let herself dream of ever since Harvey Carlson came back into her life. That somehow they would reconcile, that they would be a family together. No back and forth for the kids, no joint custody weekends or disputes over holidays. Just one family, together always. It was a sharp pain just under her ribs when she thought of it. Of the Christmas mornings, the school plays, the birthday parties, silly Halloween costumes, Thanksgiving meals where she was so grateful that her throat ached with all the love she felt. She and Harvey slow dancing and kissing and bottles of wine after the kids were in bed.

Bella could close her eyes and see it. The pair of them, tired from a long day at work and a busy evening parenting two rambunctious children, suddenly wide awake and ready to spend time together once the house was quiet. He would switch on the speaker and some song they both loved would stream out and fill the room, wrapping around them dreamily as he took her in his arms. They’d sway against each other, dancing tentatively at first, then she’d do a playful spin, and he’d catch her up against him tightly and kiss her.

They’d kiss lightly, then deepen it, his tongue slipping past her lips. She’d get caught up in it, in the rhythm of their bodies rubbing together, the slow, steady beat of the music, the pounding of blood in her veins as she yearned for him and he drew her shirt over her head. She could imagine it as clearly as if he were here. But he wasn’t, and he would never want her that way again. Because she’d given in to fear when she was only twenty-two and she’d run, and she’d never told him why. And now there were two sweet children caught in the middle of their discord.

She wondered if she could tell him, if it would make any difference if he knew that all she’d ever wanted was to be his wife, to raise their twins together. That it was the deepest desire of her broken heart. Bella almost called him. She wanted to so badly, but knowing that he said he couldn’t forgive her, couldn’t trust her, it seemed too cruel to ask it of him. Too terrifying to risk that direct rejection.

Surely she could venture a text saying that she missed him, though. So she messaged him, saying she missed him a great deal.

He didn’t respond.

Her heart was crushed.

She had wanted him to. She wanted him to say, I miss you more, Bella. I miss you every time I take a breath. I can’t sleep without you. I just want you here. I want my family here with me. Come home. He would never say that. If he said half of it, she’d be on her way, sleeping kids in the back of the van. Shamelessly, and ecstatically, she’d run to him.

Chapter 15

It had been days since she’d seen him. Corinne had asked about him twice. Bella was tempted to text him again, just to tell him that, but her pride, what was left of it, prevented her. She didn’t want to use the twins to get his attention. If Harvey wanted to talk to her, he would. It was hard for Bella to relinquish control, but if she wanted to have any kind of amicable relationship with the father of her children, she knew that now was the time to back off which meant no peppering him with texts in hope of a reply. No turning up at play date visits. No pushing him to do things her way. It went against her entire personality.

When Saturday rolled around, she donned cutoffs and a tank top, old clothes from her Tulsa days, and vowed to clean out the cabinets and mop the floors while the kids were gone. The place could use a good deep cleaning, and it would keep her mind off of the fun they were having with Harvey, without her. Maria raised an eyebrow at her when she came to pick up the children. Bella got out the Pine-Sol and fell quickly back into the remembered rhythms of housekeeping from her motel days. It seemed like a lifetime ago, and she’d been so young, so silly.

She recalled the ad she’d answered, the guy who wanted her to dress up as Catwoman. She remembered how happy she’d been to interview in Arizona, how incredible Harvey had been from that very first day. He had flirted a little but been respectful, polite to her. He had never harassed her, never been pushy. He’d let her come to him, and she had. They had been explosive together, there was no denying that. She reminisced as she scrubbed the bathroom floor on her hands and knees.

Just the thought of some of the things they’d done, places they’d been together left her blushing. Surely it was the exertion of scrubbing that made her break into a sweat, made her cheeks flush and heart pound. She moved from the bathroom to the kitchen, got fresh water and cleaned her scrub brush. Her phone jangled. She looked the video Maria had sent her.