Make Believe Wife

Fuck!

How could I have been so stupid? I left her alone here in my apartment and of course, she would have found the money. It must have been too tempting to her, especially after the fight this morning.

Thinking about the fight just gets me thinking about last night and that’s just painful. I thought we had something. It felt to me that we had a connection. I can’t understand how she could betray me this way after what we shared.

I try to be firm with myself. Because she’s a fucking street rat. No Helen don’t let your heart break. You did this to your fucking self.

Tears threaten me but I push them away with rage. She’s not going to get away with this. She can’t just take my money and run. I’ll see her again and I’ll get her explanation, even if it’s in a courtroom.

I grab my phone and call the cops. The woman on the phone takes my frantic tone with grace and tells me there might be a bit of a wait but two officers will be along soon to investigate. Don’t touch anything, especially the evidence. When I tell her I already did she sighs like a sleepy horse.

She says alright ma’am and thanks for reporting the crime. I almost hurl my phone across the room.

In a way this is worse than waiting for Roxy. I’ve got a million things to say but I know now I can never say them. I don’t even care about the money, not really. I’m just using it as an excuse to see her again.

How could she do this to me?

Tears start to fall, and I blow my nose, hard. I try not to blame myself. Yeah, I trusted too easy. But Roxy is the one that runs, that doesn’t stay still, that doesn’t get connected to people.

So, if she’s so toxic, why do I want her in my arms right now?

Twenty-Six

Roxanne

The market just down the street is crazy busy. I head into a nearby restaurant and order up three different kinds of pasta, garlic bread and some pastries. Then I take myself into the market.

It’s fancier than any place I’ve ever shopped before. I’m glad that I wore some of Helen’s clothes and I fully recognize the irony of that.

I spent the morning arguing that I wouldn’t be forced into a certain look, now here I am happy to be hiding behind it.

It’s nice to walk around in a place like this and not get stared at though. I wonder what it’s like to get stared at for completely different reasons.

Like, if I was famous in Helen’s magazine. The thought gives me a thrill.

Okay, so prancing around in front of a camera making faces is not something I ever thought of doing. I actually felt sorry for girls like that. Whether they were aware of it or not, they were trapped. Trapped in a cage where they always had to look and act in a certain way. Like seriously, no one is going to tell me what I can and can’t eat.

I saw Scarlett Johansson on a late-night show one night talking about how she can’t eat cheese. Like fuck. Talk about the price of fame.

It’s not like I’m trying to get into that prison of printed paper though. Helen was offering it to me. She said I was good. I guess that point being so difficult to believe was what made it feel insulting.

When she piled the rest of her comments on top, the clothes, the piercings, the hair—well. It just made it sound like ‘hey, maybe you could be good if you do certain things’. That is a line I don’t take too well.

I love me. You take it or leave it. I might be running and running from place to place, but I’m not one of those people running from themselves. No way.

I go over the bottles of wine while I’m thinking, trying to remember which one was her favorite. There are two different ones that I just

can’t choose between. I decide to get both.

This dilemma comes up multiple times. Chocolate, ice cream, they all seem to be the right one. I’m really starting to worry I won’t have enough cash. If most of the notes in my pocket are fives, I’ve ridiculously overspent.

I dig through my pocket and pull out the wad and flick through it.

I’ve always trusted my instincts. It keeps me safe, always has. The stab that goes through my guts right then is one of the worst premonitions I’ve ever had.

They are all hundreds, every single one of them. I feel like I’m being choked by my own goddamn blood vessels! Fuck!

I’ve taken a few thousand dollars to do a bit of grocery shopping.