The Soldier (Chicago Bratva 4)

I stand from the table, my sandwich uneaten. Ashley might not be making me feel better, but she is pissing me off, which is better than being depressed. “I know you don’t get it. None of you do, and it’s making everything harder for me!” I exclaim. Yes, I may be wallowing in a bit of self-pity at the moment.

“Wait, wait. I’m sorry. I swear I’m not criticizing. I’m just worried about you. We all are.” She pulls me back, and because I’m already falling apart, I fall into her arms for a hug.

“I’m okay. I’m happy with Pavel. I know it doesn’t seem that way right now, but I am. We’re getting closer. It’s more than just sex now. I think that may actually be why this is getting harder.”

“Because he can’t be your boyfriend?” she asks gently.

I bristle. “He is my boyfriend. He just can’t be here. And he’s moving to Russia.” My shoulders sag.

“I don’t know, Kay. From the outside, it really seems like this thing is hurting you.”

I wipe my tears. “It’s not.” I draw in a terraced breath.

“Promise me something?”

“What?” I ask.

“That you’ll draw a line at this affecting your career.”

“It won’t.”

“Promise me now. If it does, you’ll end things. I don’t want to see you throw away everything you’ve worked so hard for.”

“I promise.” Pavel would never interfere with my career. He knows how much it means to me.

My phone on the table dings with a text, and I walk over to look at it. It’s from Pavel. I’m waiting.

I hear the words in his dommy voice, the one that turns me aflutter. I pick up my sandwich and eat the whole thing while I stand there, not caring that Ashley’s still watching me. “Pavel said I had to eat,” I explain.

“Well, good,” Ashley says. “I’m glad he’s looking out for you.”

I nod, relieved that I’d decided to call him. I didn’t want to seem clingy or desperate or weird, but I also just… needed him. When I finish my sandwich, I gulp down the milk and call him.

“Have you eaten?” he asks.

“Yes, Master,” I murmur, ducking my head and mumbling so Ashley won’t hear, even though they’ve overheard me before.

“Good girl. How are you feeling now?”

“A little better.”

“I want you to put some shoes on and get outside for a walk.”

“Um, okay.” I say, heading into my room to pull on a pair of sneakers. I throw on my jean jacket and head to the door. “All right, I’m heading out.”

“Good. I’m going to walk with you, blossom, and I want you to tell me what you see. What’s beautiful out there on your walk—besides you?”

I laugh softly, already starting to feel soothed. “Oh. Um… okay. Well, right now I’m in the elevator.”

“What’s beautiful?”

What’s beautiful… in an elevator? I look around, seeing it with a new lens. “Well, it’s clean. Pretty basic. But it always runs well. It smells like lemons.”

“Like lemons?”

“Yeah. Must be the cleaner. But it’s nice.” The elevator doors open, and I walk outside. “There’s a palm tree in front of my building, and it dropped some of its bark. I stop over the piece of bark and stare down at it. “It’s in the shape of a heart.” I tilt my head. “Actually, it kind of looks like a bodice that’s been ripped open by a lover.”

“Mmm. A rough lover.”

“Yes.” I walk on, looking around for something else to report. I notice the concrete planter boxes at the end of the sidewalk and walk over to examine the plants there.

“You like it rough, malysh?”

“Yes.” I finger the green striped leaf of the trailing plant that grows inside, contrasting with the purple leaves of a wandering Jew. I walk on, looking at a woman pushing a stroller across the street. “I see a toddler with pink pants and kicking feet,” I report. “And tiny Crocs on her feet.”

“Hmm. What else?”

“A jacaranda tree. My favorite.”

“What does it look like?

“It has beautiful purple flowers. They’re in bloom now.”

We continue on our walk, me seeking out and naming all the beautiful things in my neighborhood, until I loop back around the block in front of my place.

“How do you feel now, blossom?”

“Better,” I say. It’s true. I do. I’m calm and steady now. The act of looking for beauty, or maybe just noticing the world around me instead of the turmoil inside, brought me peace. I may not be my usual Energizer Bunny self, but I certainly feel grounded.

“What time do you need to go to the studio?”

“Not until this evening. They’re filming today but wanted me to stop by for a cast meeting at six.”

“What can you do to make yourself feel good this afternoon?”

I lean into the question to feel for an answer. “I think I’ll go get groceries. And maybe clean my room.”