Staying on Course (Finding our Way 2)

“No,” I disagree. “I tried to be strong, mature, even supportive. You never ignored me.”

“But you chose to live with the burning inside that made you question every time I was around her, didn’t you?”

I try to deny it, but the tear that falls betrays me.

“When did this start?”

“I felt uncomfortable when she glanced at us at graduation. Then when I came to visit the first time, I found the picture she sent to Nate of the two of you.”

“Over four fucking months?”

I nod hesitantly.

“Why? Why didn’t you tell me? I promised you that you’d never hurt because of me again. I failed you.”

I jump down and go straight to him. “I promise, Bryce, I’ll never hold back again.”

He shakes his head back and forth and hangs it between his arms. “I can’t be Shawn.” He repeats.

“You won’t be.” I crouch, trying to see his face.

“I will! You leave me for something like that, I’d turn to the bottle and not care. We HAVE to be stronger than this, Devon! You promised me we’d talk when things got tough. What happened?”

I close my eyes and swallow hard. He blames himself, and it’s my fault. “Never again.”

“How can I trust that?” he asks, rejected.

I melt and press myself into his arms. He doesn’t grab hold like normal, and I start to panic. Then I nuzzle into his neck. He still doesn’t respond. “I hurt,” I admit. “But when she said she had your ‘dick in her mouth’, I saw black. My life was pathetic without you. I promise to talk to you about every small, insignificant detail for the rest of our lives, even if the women in the nursing home hit on you.”

He rumbles something under his breath and finally reacts. “You’ll never understand how much I love you. For months, I’ve told you, tried to reassure you that my heart is yours. You said you believed me. You said you loved me, too. How did we get here, to this hell where you think I’d cheat and lose you?”

“I think I know how much you love me.”

“Yes, you know how much I love you, but do you know how much I love us? Do you finally understand?”

It hits me full force. The light finally shines, and I get it. For the first time in our relationship, I realize Bryce’s vulnerability is as strong as mine. Each time he declares I’m his, he’s reassuring us both. Somewhere along the way, I lost that direction and let self-doubt creep in and plague my securities. Things are now crystal clear.

I inhale loudly, stomach clenching, and he chuckles. “You get it.”

“You’re mine.” I steal his words.

“Always,” he confirms. “You are my life.”

His words sink in, and I press as close as possible, trying to relay the same message. After a few minutes of holding each other, I push forward needing a few more answers.

“Bryce.” I kiss his head everywhere. “I need to know what happened after my freak out.”

“Besides me telling Liza, in front of a fuckload of people at Tommy’s, to kiss my ass and she’s a worthless piece of shit— waste of space. Her plan to chase you away failed and she’s fucked with the wrong person. I may have also said something to the effect that it’s no wonder she’s a single, miserable, vile bitch.”

“Yeah, all of it.” I grin at the image.

He lifts his head and focuses on the peanut butter. “How about I tell you in the bed? Then feed you?”

I look down at myself and feel gross. When we crawl back into his bed, I’d like to have a clear head and clean body. Even though I showered last night, the faint smell of vomit clings to me. “Can we bathe before?”

“Together?”

I nod.