Surrendering (Surrender 1)

Chapter 38

Guilt is Killing Me

It didn’t take me as long as I thought it would to get caught up in school. My kidnapping was kept under wraps, but a lot of people knew I’d been in some sort of accident from all the post on Sayge’s websites. The only people who knew the truth were my small group of close friends and a few of my professors. Because of his help, Brent has been asked to do an internship with my dad’s company this summer. He’s most likely going to be trained on office work and surveillance, but he’s excited. Mari and Kyle were shocked about Anna, but Mari told us Anna had been acting strange since she found out I was engaged. I couldn’t think about it anymore because I needed to move on. I had a few nightmares, but ironically the migraine I suffered during those four days may have helped me. Since I was in pain and passed out, I didn’t have time to fear. The few lucid moments I did have stuck with me, but I was able to work through the memories. It was also easier to move on when I got my cast off a few days earlier than expected. Now I didn’t have a constant reminder of the kidnapping.

As I’ve been healing and moving forward, Declan has been doing just the opposite. I’m not the only one who’s noticed; his sisters are worried too. It wasn’t an immediate transition; he’s become reserved and quiet over the last three weeks. Next week is his birthday and I made plans for us that I’ve been keeping secret. Since my spring break was so close to my incident, I wasn’t able to go with him to the beach festival in Florida due to homework. But now that I’m caught up, I have plans to take him away for a weekend getaway. My goal’s to get him to open up to me and try to overcome this dark shadow following him because of Christie.

I talked to the band and they cleared the show on Saturday night. I covered my class on Friday so we’re going to catch an early morning flight. I packed his bag and it’s ready to go.

I wake him up on Friday morning and tell him we’re going away for the weekend. He actually looks relieved.

Our drive to the airport is silent. He holds my hand, but doesn’t even ask where we’re going.

“Are you going to keep this up?”

“What?”

“I’m not sure I like the silent and brooding Declan. He freaks me out. Are you ever going to talk to me?”

He sighs again; this is becoming its own type of expression with him. “I’m sorry; I have a lot on my mind lately. I don’t mean to shut you out.”

“Well STOP! I can’t take it anymore. Tell me what’s wrong with you. I need to know.” My emotions take over and the tears start falling. “You aren’t yourself; everyone is worried.”

He parks the car and turns to me. “Shit, Sparkle, don’t cry. I’m sorry; I can’t get over what happened to you. At first I was just so happy you were okay. But then as you got better, it became clearer and clearer that it was my fault.”

“Please quit thinking like that. Christie is a psycho stalker who thought she was in love with you. She followed you around, took pictures and videos of you without your permission. She came into your house and stole your clothes. Then she kidnapped your fiancé to try and get you back. How is that your fault?”

“THE GUILT IS KILLING ME!” He screams. “Every time I think of the whole situation, the nameless girls on the video, the way I treated them, the way Finn looked at me knowing what an asshole I was, it’s eating me up. Then I think of the way you looked in the hospital bed, so broken, and I burn inside. You are the most important thing in my life and I put you in danger.”

I’m full out crying. I’m not sure I can break through to him. He gets out and comes to my side of the truck and pulls me into him. He holds me as I cry into his chest and I feel his own tears on my neck.

“I love you so much.”

“I think you need to talk to someone about this. Maybe a professional that can help you navigate through these feelings. You aren’t the same person and I need you to be the Declan I know and love. Please think about it.”

He rubs the tears from my cheeks and kisses a path down my face. “Okay, I’ll think about it.”

“Thanks.”

“Now are you going to tell me where we are going for my secret birthday celebration?” He smiles at me with his signature Declan smile.

“Yeah, I’ll tell you. We’re going to Destin. We’re flying into Fort Walton and I rented us a car for the weekend. We have an oceanfront room and a private balcony. We’ll have full beach access, a pool, and the works.”

“You did all this for me?”

“Yes, you and I needed time away alone and I thought the beach was the perfect place. I even have some leads on good bands in the area to go listen to if you want.”

“God, you’re perfect. Let’s go get our weekend started. As soon as we pass through those airport doors, let’s forget about everything that has happened for the next three days.”

I nod my head and get my purse. He gets our bags and we head to get our e-tickets. I feel a sense of nostalgia as I think about the last time we were here with our trip to New Orleans. I pray

this trip will be as romantic and easygoing.

We arrive at the gate and I get a text from Finn asking me to meet him later today. I reply I’m out of town with Declan. He doesn’t respond right away so I send another text to ask if we can get together on Monday night for dinner. He just says yes. Finn has been acting strange since I got out of the hospital; he’s rarely around. Whenever I see Jimi, he says he doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s been a month since I left the hospital and I miss the old Finn.

Our flight is uneventful and I read while Declan works on some music. He smiles up at me when he catches me staring at him. His mood has shifted to his normal, playful self.

The weather is perfect and we drive our convertible rental straight to our hotel. We still have the whole day ahead of us and I want to go straight to the beach. Our room is beautiful and the view is breathtaking.