Surviving (Surrender 2)

Chapter 1

She Wants a Little Space

Declan

I hold the paper in my hand, staring at the words for the millionth time. Since I found this stupid fucking note in my guitar case two weeks ago, I’ve held onto it. The bottle of Jack in front of me is halfway gone, which means I have a few more drinks until my pain numbs. The night Raven left me tore a hole in my heart, but when I found this note the next day, that hole became a crater.

Declan,

You are such an incredibly important part of my life. I love you with every fiber of my being. You gave me such extraordinary memories, and I was certain nothing could break us. I tried so hard–I wanted to be strong for us, but I couldn’t be here this summer under our circumstances. I want your dreams to come true and maybe I will fit in somewhere. I’m giving this back to you with the hope you’ll return it to me one day when you’re ready. I truly hope this summer brings you and Sayge what you’re destined for–which is greatness.

All My Love–Heart and Soul,

Raven

Attached was a small envelope that held the engagement ring I put on her finger almost six months ago. How could I be so stupid? I knew she was pulling away, but the look on her face after the Bonnaroo performance gave me hope we were going to be okay. If only I’d told her right then I decided to ignore everyone else. I wanted to make sure she was safe. I didn’t want another situation similar to Christie. I was just beginning to get over the guilt of my stalker kidnapping Raven so; of course, I had already looked into protection for her when we were on this tour. All I needed to do was convince her I was an ass–again–and to come on this summer tour with us. Even when she mentioned her summer job, I was going to find a way to get her to me every fucking weekend. Cost was not a problem; I needed my girl near me.

I’m such a fucking dumbass! We were inseparable, and then she hauls ass for a week to Atlanta without so much as a goodbye to me. That was obviously a sign that things weren’t right. Raven is the most loyal, loving, and compassionate person I’ve ever known. I was surprised when she held a grudge against the guys in the band, but now, I understand it perfectly. Betrayal. She tried to explain it to me, but I wouldn’t listen. I encouraged them to keep reaching out to her to break down her shield, but she never relented. Out of everyone, Nate has taken this the hardest. His daily apologies are on my last fucking nerve.

Cooper and I had a talk with Jay and decided to keep working with him. Cooper actually made me see that this was new to all of us and Jay deserved a second chance. We all got on the phone with Mike Jacobs and asked him to work with us directly if he chose to sign us. He’s coming to the show tomorrow night in Charlotte. He’s already talked to Knight’s Dream about a recording contract; they are signing the papers this week.

The only reason he agreed to our request is because he feels slightly guilty about his ex-associate giving us bad advice. Even though he fired her, the damage was done. I pour another shot of Jack and reach in my jeans pocket to pull out the ring. I twirl it between my fingers and think about the night I gave it to Raven; one of the most incredible nights of my life. Every day I think of ways to win her back.

The last two weeks have been a blur. We had a few days at home before we hit the road for North Carolina. We’ve performed every other night and used the next day for travel. Tomorrow is our last show before we head south. The venues are always packed, and tomorrow night’s show is sold out. Knight’s Dream had an initial agreement with MJ Label that allowed a few of their songs to go out. After a huge internet following, they recorded in Nashville last month, and one track has hit the airwaves. That’s why Mike’s flying in tomorrow to finalize a long term contract for their first studio album. This will be our first official meeting with Mike since Bonnaroo. He told us he was happy with what he saw, and he thought we should put together a similar deal.

The one and only good thing I can say about my state of depression and drunkenness is that I’ve been writing. When the others go out after the show, I lock myself in this bus and write, usually after reading Raven’s note a few times and downing half a bottle, I pull out my journal and write. Most of the shit is depressing as hell, but Cooper and Blake have started putting notes together.

I down another shot

and grab my materials to write when I hear a loud screeching outside and then voices screaming. I know those voices anywhere, and I try to get to the bedroom in the back before they can catch me. I’m almost there when the bus door swings open.

“Declan Collins! Don’t you dare go into that room and shut me out again! We drove a shitload of hours to get to you, and you better believe I’ll tan your ass before you pass out drunk again.”

I don’t want to turn around, but there’s concern in her voice. “Hey, Abbi.” I walk to her with outstretched arms and hug her. Ella walks in and joins us.

The comfort of their arms is almost too much for me to take, so I pull back before I cry like a sissy. Both girls let me go and move us to the kitchen area where the bottle of liquor is sitting. I reach for it, but Ella swipes it and lays it on the other counter.

“Declan, we need to talk. We’ve heard from the guys how you’ve shut them out. All you do is perform and sit in here drinking every night. We’re worried.” Ella tells me.

“What else is there to do?” I shrug my shoulders, waiting for a reasonable answer.

“Look, we know you’re upset. You have every right to be. But this is the chance you’ve been waiting for. The other guys say you won’t even talk to them unless it’s about business or the music. They feel guilty as shit.”

“Right now, I’m not sure I care how they feel. We need to go out and put on a good show. The fans aren’t concerned, and I’m pretty sure they’re getting pussy every night so why should I care?”

Abbi grabs my hand and squeezes tight, “You should care because Raven wouldn’t want this. She would be appalled. She wanted you to use this time to create and grab hold of what’s there for your band. The only reason she left was because, in her mind, you would be able to handle this. She was the one who couldn’t. She loves you enough to let you go and do what you needed, in turn, she did what she needed. You can’t throw this away.”

I’m furious and flinch at her statement. “She thinks I wanted this over her? Do you think I wanted this? I’m fucking broken!”

“Dec, I hate to point this out but what did you think would happen? She begged and pleaded with you. She would never ask you to give up your dream and chance for the big time. She knew once the guys asked you to hide your relationship and not bring her along; she needed to get away. You never gave her much of a reason to hesitate.”

“I’m so pissed at myself I can’t function. Don’t you understand why I did what I did?”

Ella nods her head. “Yes, we know why you did. And the guys know, too. Their feelings are torn, and you have to pull it together. Tomorrow is a big deal. MJ is going to be here, and you have to spearhead this show for your future–hell, all of your futures. I spoke to Raven–”

“What! What the fuck? What do you mean you spoke to Raven? Why won’t she answer my calls? I text her every fucking night and call at least twice a day. How could you speak to her when I can’t?” I think back to the very short conversation I had with her the day I left her parents. I didn’t get a chance to explain anything to her because she was crying and asked me for some time to think about things. I didn’t like it but agreed. I still call her to let her know how much I love her. I wasn’t handling the ‘time’ thing very well.

“She’s hurting Declan. You were her first everything. She wants a little space.”

“She’s across the fucking ocean! How much more space does she need?”

Ella grabs my other hand and pushes my shoulder to pull me back down. “She needs the kind of space to figure out if you want a future with her. She wants to know if she can handle the next time she’s betrayed because your band comes before her.”

I can’t even argue. I made the most special and important person in my life doubt me. I’ve lost my integrity in our relationship.

I lower my head to the table to take deep breathes until the urge to punch something goes away.

“We’re here for the weekend. You’re going to spend the day with us tomorrow and play your ass off tomorrow night. Then you’re taking your baby sister to celebrate her twenty-first birthday.”

Fuck! I have no desire to celebrate anything, but Ella deserves a party.

“Okay, I’m going to bed. Come by in the morning, and I will get someone to take us into town for a decent lunch and some fun. I have to be at the stage around four for sound checks and shit.”

They look at each other like they want to say more but hug me and leave the bus. I go straight to bed and dream of my beautiful girl.

*****

I wake up to the smell of fresh coffee. This is weird because I’m always the first one up, and no one else knows how to use the coffee pot Jenna bought us. Before I left Nashville, Jenna came by my house with the gift explaining she knew how much I loved my morning coffee. She didn’t mention Raven. She just sat with me. It was oddly comforting.

To say I’m surprised to see Jimi in the kitchen is an understatement. “Hey man, what’s up?”

“Not much.” He nods his head at me.

Abbi and Ella are sitting there watching the exchange with worried faces. I pour my coffee and sit down. “Why are y’all here so early? Thought we were getting together for lunch in a few hours.”

Abbi moves to sit across from me. There’s visible concern on her face. “I need to tell you something that I just found out. It couldn’t wait.”

Jimi moves back and shakes his head. “Abbi, this is not a good idea. I didn’t tell you for this exact reason. We need to stay out of it.”