Cave Man Make Baby (The First Mountain Man)

“What the hell… where am I? What…” She is spinning in the sand, the glittering ocean ahead of her, the wild jungle surrounding us, the sky clear, unpolluted, the sun shimmering against the blue water.

Paradise, though it took a while for me to believe it.

“You time travelled,” I explain, walking up next to her, trying to imagine what it would be like to arrive here and find another human. When I came, I was piecing this all together on my own.

“Where is the Palm Paradise resort?” she asks. “The parking lot, the people?”

“They’ll be here in a few million years.”

She scoffs. “What?” She shakes her head. “That’s impossible… time travel?” She sets her hands on her hips. “Look, I’m not exactly a people person, and I hate practical jokes. I don’t know why you’re dressed as a cave man or what’s happening, but I don’t like it. The jig is up – what’s your deal?”

I run a hand over my beard, slowly. “My deal? I was on a Special Ops mission, a grenade went off, the cave started spinning and the ground fell out from beneath me. The guys I was with? Never saw them again. Walked out of the cave like you just did and saw a fucking Megalania and freaked out.”

“Megalania?” Her eyes widen. “It’s impossible. That lizard went extinct over two million years ago.”

“I know. Bit of a dino buff myself.” I grin, but this woman? She frowns.

“No way. This is ridiculous.” She pulls her phone from her backpack and attempts to place a call. “There’s no signal.”

“Nope. No electricity, no culture, no scientific discoveries.” I shrug, remembering how messed up I got when I realized the enormity of what had happened. Life as I knew it was over.

“This isn’t funny. If what you’re saying is true, you mean to tell me there are saber-toothed tigers and woolly mammoths and–”

Just now a mastodon walks to the edge of the jungle, chowing down on a branch between its distinctive teeth.

“Oh. My. God.” Her jaw drops and her eyes fill with wonder. “I can’t believe this.” She steps toward it.

Two years ago, this friendly beast had me running for cover. Now I know better. But she seems to understand it’s not a predator right away.

She immediately begins taking photos with her phone. No use breaking it to her that once the battery dies it will never turn on again.

“This is incredible. If the team were here, they would be freaking out. This is amazing.”

“Amazing?” Now it’s me frowning, following on her heels. “Not the reaction I expected.”

She turns to me, smiling wide. “Of course it’s amazing. This is the most incredible discovery of all time.”

My shoulders lift, then fall. “Maybe, only you can’t exactly share it with anyone except me.”

Her eyes narrow, taking in the surroundings more judiciously. “Can we go back to present day? How does the time travel work? Is it like a portal we can access–”

I cut her off. “No. There is no going back. The portal is more than closed, it doesn’t exist on this side.”

She twists her lips. “So, we’re like, the first humanoids?”

“Thought you might be a bit more upset.”

“I’m an paleontologist,” she says, her brown eyes filled with the sort of child-like glee reserved for Christmas morning. “This is like a dream come true. Did you ever watch those Dinotopia movies as a kid? Jurassic Park?”

“Sure,” I say. “They were my favorites. But… you realize this is life-altering?”

She nods, slowly. “You’re right. It is.” She laughs, staring at the mastodon. Then, turning to me, she offers her hand. “So I suppose I should introduce myself. I’m Fancy. Who are you?”

“I’m Flint,” I say, shaking her hand. “And after two long years, I’m really fucking happy for some company.”

3

Fancy

I’ve never been the sort of person who believed in magic – but this is otherworldly. The smile on my face won’t break as I work out the reality of the situation.

“So, you’ve been living here, alone, for how long?” I ask as Flint and I begin walking down the beach.

“Two years. My camp is just around the corner. I go in that cave for some beetles that are a little on the sweet side. Sugar is one thing I miss a lot.”

I smile. “Isn’t there sugar cane around here?”

“Sure, but it’s not the same as a gummy bear. And the beetles kinda satisfy that craving.”

I stop, dropping to my knees in the sand and opening my backpack. “I got you covered,” I say. “I have a whole bag of sour gummies.”

Flint’s eyes grow large as I hand over my worms. “This is… wow. I can’t accept a gift like this.”

“Why not? I have more candy to share. And you earned it, considering you caught me from that deadly fall.”

Flint smiles, opening the bag and plucking out a peach-colored gummy, eating it slowly, groaning in pleasure. His eyes meet mine and my belly flip-flops. He is incredibly good-looking. Tall and strong, with a chest more chiseled than I’ve ever seen in real life.