Nice Buns (Cheap Thrills 7)

“Whose asshole are we talking about here?” she eventually asked, tilting her head as she looked at Alex. “He doesn’t look like the type, does he? It’s always the ones you least expect.”

“What do you mean?”

“Um,” Sayla raised her hand for some reason. “We kind of assumed you guys had, you know, done it.” She paused. “In the penis in vagina sense.”

“Someone shoot me,” Tabby mumbled, sinking into a seat and covering her face with her hands.

“What?”

Sighing, Jacinda turned me to face her. “I’ll spell it out for you. We assumed the black hole sucking up your leggings between your legs was because of Alex’s penis. Now you tell us it’s because he was stopping you from going after his asshole. See why we might be intrigued and”—she gestured with her thumb at Tabby—“in her case, considering therapy?”

“Ew! What the hell’s wrong with you guys? There were no assholes involved at any point. I mean, fair play to you if that’s your thing, own it like you…” I trailed off, trying to think of an analogy. Why was I so bad at those? “Uh, just own it. But no, there was no butt stuff involved.”

Jacinda smiled excitedly. “But there was sex?”

“Remove the ‘but’ from that sentence because I’m scared it’s got two t’s in it and not one, and yes, there was sex.”

All of them looked happy at the news, including Tabby, although she still looked a little green.

When she saw me watching her, she waved a hand. “Sorry, it’s just that I wanted you guys to get together, but I kind of assumed it was like Jose and Ellis, who never have sex. They just watch sitcoms from the ’80s and ‘90s, cook dinner, do married people chores, and have babies by immaculate conception.”

I nodded understandingly. “My parents did the same to have my siblings and me. I feel you.”

“No,” Sayla shrugged. “Your parents did it like they do it on the Discovery Channel. Heidi did the same thing to have Nemi.”

Tabby straightened up and glared at her. “You’re the more quiet one. You should be agreeing with me and saying they don’t do the sex stuff.”

“But they do.”

Holding a hand out at her, Tabby turned away from Sayla. “Anyway, everyone knows immaculate conception’s real, and our families are proof of it. You and Alex don’t do it either.”

Lifting the new cup of coffee Katy pressed into my hand, I said over the rim of it, “If that helps you sleep at night.”

“What are you ladies talking about?” Dave asked from behind me, making me jump and almost spill it down my front.

“Uh, the Discovery Channel, outer space and black holes, and immaculate conception,” Katy answered honestly. “To sum it up.”

“That’s quite a mix.” Dave chuckled and then pointed behind us at the hallway. “Evie, you might want to go and check on your boy. He told Dad he wanted a man-to-man chat with him when Dad came back from stopping you going out the door like a psycho on a mission, but they haven’t come back yet.”

Sighing, I placed my cup down on the table and moved toward the bedrooms. Just once it would be nice to have something normal happen or for things to be boring.

Cody’s door was cracked open, and as I got to it, I heard him say, “Okay, so we understand each other, then. I’d hate to have to kick your ass.”

Alex didn’t laugh or sound pissed when he replied. “I’d hate to give you a reason to do it, bud, so we understand each other.”

“Seal it with a down low.”

I was just about to open the door and ask what they were doing when it was opened from the other side, and Alex was looking at me with a smile on his face.

“What’s going on?”

Coming up beside him, Cody straightened his shoulders and stuck his chest out. “I was just laying out the law for Alex, Mom. If he hurts you, I’ll kick his ass. If he makes you cry, I’ll kick his ass. If he cheats on you, I’ll—”

“Kick his ass?”

“No, I’ll get the others to do it. They have bigger fists than I do.”

“Honey, you know you can’t threaten people.” I leaned in closer and whispered, “Especially not a police detective.”

Crossing his arms over his chest, he glared at Alex. “You gonna arrest me for telling you to look after my mom?”

“No, sir,” Alex said with a smile. “Far from it.”

Sighing, I pointed back toward the living room. “Let’s get back before Sayla and Jacinda put Tabby in therapy for real.”

It was as we got back to everyone else that I noticed something was missing. Three somethings, to be precise.

“Where are the dogs?”

“Oh, Jacinda put them outside,” Jarrod Klein said as he passed us. “She saw them almost knock you over and figured they wanted to go to the bathroom.”