Of Darkness and Crowns (Goddess Wars 2)

“Bah!” Bax stomps toward me and takes my shoulders in his large hands. “I cannot listen to anymore whining. Snap out of it, Protector. We are dealing with the absolute darkest of powers, ancient and primal. It’s only by your strength alone that you are not dead.” Releasing me, he drops his hands before he does something not so Bax. Like hug me. “Quit these feelings of guilt. They won’t be of much comfort. Would you have ended my life? Or Lilly’s? Any one of your Nactue or your empress, or hell, a stranger’s for that matter? Could you kill any one of us if we were the ones possessed by Bale?” He releases a huff. “No. It’s what separates you from the goddesses. Enough punishment already. “

Before his speech fully hits me, I open my mouth to respond and shut it. I don’t want to admit this, but the truth is—no. I can’t simply take a life; what I was forced to do in the Cage was different. Though I will never reconcile my time there completely, I’m smart enough to recognize the cost I’ve paid to move beyond it. However, refusing my calling by not willingly becoming Bale’s vessel…how will the goddesses punish me for that rebuke?

Maybe I’m already being punished. Caben’s dying. I don’t see a way around that harsh injustice.

I knew the day I left him in the Cage I would not kill him. But I feel as if I already have.

“You’re right,” I say to Bax, and his wiry eyebrows arch. “I’m not the person for this mission. The goddesses really missed their mark. I won’t end a life to prevent Bale from entering this world, and have to continue killing in order to do so. Who would be left?”

“Exactly,” he says.

Confused, I say, “You’re agreeing with me? But aren’t you sided with the Councils? Don’t you believe I should’ve been Bale’s vessel during the Reckoning?” I watch his face pull into a scowl. “I’m not angry, Bax. I understand that you were only doing what had to be done. It’s more than I can do now.”

“The same way you will not sacrifice any of yours for this war, I will not sacrifice any of mine. We all suffer moments of weakness, and I’m sorry for my own…” He crosses his arms before him, lifts his chin. “But, it seems I’ve grown fond of your annoying presence, Protector.”

I’m not any more sentimental than Bax, but his words are closely veering there. I believe we’re both becoming uncomfortable, so I simply smile and then turn toward Lilly and Lena.

“I’m sorry for—”

“It’s all right,” Lilly says. “Kal, you were under some influence of sorts. I’m just worried that something happened—that you were hurt.”

I shake my head. “I wasn’t.” Although the deep-seeded scars of what occurred probably won’t surface until long after this moment, I can’t worry about that. I won’t be around to face them.

“You do understand that it wasn’t an influence or spell,” Lena says, looking between me and Lilly. “Prince Caben merely stripped away anything that wasn’t a feeling for him, anything that pertained to the two of you. Like, eradicating everything but one feeling. It heightens that one emotion infinitely. Makes it the most powerful and unable to ignore.”

I bow my head, sensing the embarrassment color my face. So that is mine and Caben’s feelings for each other in their rawest form. I believe almost nothing could be more dangerous. We need all parts of ourselves to maintain balance. Or else we’ll simply self-destruct.

And like a sudden, powerful burst of light penetrating the darkness, pieces come together to form the whole, brilliant picture. Blinding but clear.

I can almost hear the goddesses mocking me, looking down at me with impatient, glowering smirks. I want to tell them to go to hell, but what’s the point? You can’t damn an immortal being. But at least now, I emphatically understand the dark goddess on a level I never could have before.

Stripped of the parts that complete us, level us and balance us, we’re nothing more than carnal versions of ourselves. We’ll seek out only what we desire. And for the goddess of madness and mayhem, chaos and ruin…taken down to her most primal desire? What she seeks is destruction. Even at the cost of herself.

Bale must be reunited with her counterpart.

Only, there’s still the terrible conse

quence of Caben’s death being in the way.

And mine…

But I suppose if there was ever a time to develop a hero complex, now would be that moment.

“Are all the Nactue here?” I ask.

Lilly nods. “Caben gave orders to Lake to release us. So we could come to you. And he’s here, too. Lake, that is. Also Aurelia, Caben’s mother. She’s given us an idea…possibly. So we need her. And we’ve promised to watch over her.” Lilly looks hopeful, like she’s trying to convince me. There’s no need, though. I understand the responsibility she and the others took on all too well.

“It’s fine. It’s good, actually.” I try to group my thoughts into something constructive, but can’t help noticing Lilly’s expression growing more wary. “It really is all right, Lills. I understand, and what you’re doing…for Caben’s mother? It means a lot to me. But what happened? Where are the armies and the Council? The empress?”

Lena’s gaze narrows on Lilly, her full lips pulling into a frown. “They’ve set off for the Otherworld.” She turns to look at me. “Or at least they’ve commanded the armies to do so. Leaders don’t do the dirty work themselves.”

So their plan is to take out Caben with or without me to be the new vessel. I guess they assume they can force the issue and make that happen eventually. As long as they keep Bale contained in someone until that point.

“Orders?”

This low and hesitant request comes from Kaide. I pivot to see him standing near the ladder, a concerned expression on his tan face.

The fear of leading everyone I care for to their graves grips me tight. Like a noose around my neck, or the collar Caben so misleadingly thought was a token of love. I feel the suffocation of it all, and wrap my hands around the back of my neck, working the stressed muscles with my fingers.