Dark Need (House of Sin 3)

And I want nothing more than to cry and scream and punch.

But none of that will ever hurt him.

Not in the way that he hurt me.

And in this cruelty, I lose a piece of myself, as I say, “I hate you.”

Chapter 36

Soren

Pain.

One word doesn’t even come remotely close to what I feel right now.

But it is the only way I know how to describe the ache in my heart.

This isn’t like any other pain I’ve had, the kind of oozing blood and cracked skin. No, this is the kind that makes you want to scream.

But nothing I can say will make this pain go away.

Because she said the one word I never thought I’d hear from her lips.

Hate.

And I knew then and there that I had lost her.

All the sweetness in her eyes, the gentleness in her voice, gone, replaced by vile disgust. She hasn’t even looked at me since we left the car behind and started walking again. Not a word either. I’m on full ignore, and every step I take hurts to the bone.

Not because I’m physically tired but because I’m fighting with myself in my head, and it’s threatening to tear me apart.

We need to keep moving if we want to make it in time, but my feet feel heavier than ever. I wonder how it must be for her, finally knowing where I’m taking her … to the one place she never wanted to go to.

I didn’t tell her because I knew she wouldn’t come quietly. But keeping it a secret all this time tore a rift between us, and I don’t know what to do to fix that.

I shouldn’t care, but I do.

I care more than I dare to admit.

Which is why all of this is so fucking hard.

Why couldn’t I have just kept my mouth shut and taken her with me? I should’ve just taped her mouth and tied her up like I was supposed to and bring her to the location. Instead, I fell for the trap of her pretty eyes and sweet words until I couldn’t go back anymore. Until I fell so hard that I wanted nothing more than to stay in that cabin and lie there in bed with her for all eternity.

But we can’t.

My job, my loyalty, comes above all else.

Because what else do I have left if it doesn’t?

Who am I if not the man I was shaped to be?

So I continue the journey through the woods with her traipsing behind me, sighing to herself. I can’t keep on ignoring it, even though I hate the words she said.

“We stop here.”

She pauses and looks up at me with a deathly stare.

“Get some sleep,” I add.

She raises her brow and watches me settle down on a stump, fetching the blanket from the bag she stole. I pat down some leaves and point at it. She sighs again but still lies down, and I place the blanket over her. She violently tears it out of my hands and rolls over, away from me.

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.

It does.

My heart screams to hold her. Kiss her. Wrap her in my arms and stay warm together.

But she no longer wants me, and that makes it impossible to enjoy. All the need and desire inside me have been sucked dry. The only thing left is misery.

And I hate that.

“I’ll watch over you. Just sleep.”

“I’m not tired,” she says, finally responding.

“You woke up early to run away. You need rest.”

She grumbles to herself and tucks the blanket closer to her body as if she’s planning on turning into a butterfly in that cocoon so she can fly off after.

I know that feeling all too well.

I sigh to myself as well.

“I deserve your hatred,” I say.

“Yes. Yes, you do,” she answers quickly.

She didn’t have to, but sure. I know she does, and of course, she’ll take any opportunity to rub it in.

“You really hate that place so much?” I ask.

“They used me. Tried to make me have sex with random men I’d never met so I’d get married and have babies,” she says through gritted teeth, staring at the ground. “And then when I didn’t comply, they discarded me and sent me off to the House as though I did something wrong. As if, by remaining a virgin, I was unwanted. I was a sinner.”

I lower my eyes and clasp my fingers together, listening to her talk. I’m not often interested in the stories the sinners I punish tell me, but she’s different. She’s a victim to circumstances. She tried to remain honest, loyal to herself, unwilling to yield to a man. And in return, she got branded a sinner and sent to us. Sent to me.

But she is no sinner.

In fact, I am more a sinner than she ever was.

I took from her the one thing she tried to protect, the one thing she wasn’t willing to give, all for her freedom.