Forever Broken

“Of course.” Laurent watched him undress for a moment and then looked away.

He can’t even stand to look at me anymore. Paul felt tears rising inside and blinked them away. He had brought this on himself. He was the one who had ruined everything between them. And even though he’d done it to save Laurent’s life, he still hated himself for it. Paul walked into the tiny bathroom and turned the shower on full blast. In no time steam was rising and he slid into the hot water with a feeling of relief. At least he could wash away the blood and sweat from the past few hours. It was a small consolation to be clean again but standing in the shower and letting the heated water pound his bruised and aching muscles was better that staring across the bed at the man he couldn’t have anymore.

He soaped himself up and then rinsed off but he was reluctant to get out. What could he possibly say if he went back out into the bedroom? What could he do to penetrate the invisible barrier between them? Nothing. I can’t do a fucking thing. We might as well end it here and now because it’s never going to be the same again—ever.

“Paul?” The soft voice startled him. He turned to see Laurent standing on the other side of the flimsy white plastic shower curtain.

“Yeah?”

Laurent’s silhouette was elegant and graceful behind the curtain. The sight filled Paul with the dull ache of longing. Dios, want him so bad. But he could never have him again.

“I…” Laurent hesitated. “May I join you?”

It was the last thing Paul had expected. “Uh, sure. Of course.” He held open the shower curtain and Laurent stripped hastily and climbed in.

“Thank you.” He stood awkwardly with his arms around himself at the far end of the small bathtub.

“Here, you’re not getting any water that way.” Paul moved to switch their positions but the tub was tiny and there was no way to pass each other without touching. Before he knew it Laurent was in his arms with his head on Paul’s shoulder.

“Mon amour,” he whispered softly in Paul’s ear. “I understand if you wish to end what we have here and now—I know in many ways it will be less painful for you if we do not see each other anymore.”

Paul felt as if an iron fist were squeezing his heart. “Less painful. Yeah, I guess so since we can never get the bond back again.” He knew he should let Laurent go since the other man was practically telling him it was time to end things but somehow he just couldn’t. “Babe.” He pulled Laurent closer, molding their bodies together under the warm wet spray. “Sorry…so sorry,” he whispered. “I’ve been such an idiot. Such a fucking pendejo. ” Tears stung his eyes and this time he couldn’t blink them away.

“Don’t speak so of yourself. You did what you felt was necessary,” Laurent murmured soothingly.

“That’s not what I’m talking about—or not all of it.” Paul took a deep breath.

“I’ve…all this time we’ve been together I’ve been lying to you and to myself. I told myself I wasn’t gay, that I didn’t really want to be with you and I was only experimenting. It wasn’t until they had me down on the floor with my hands taped behind my back and I thought they were gonna kill me that I realized how I felt—how much I needed you—how much I still need you.” “I need you too.” Laurent nuzzled his neck. “So much so that even now when our bond is broken, I still desire you.”

Paul’s breath caught in his throat. “I want you too, babe.” Pulling back a little, he cupped Laurent’s cheek and looked at him. The vampire’s thick black lashes were matted with water or tears—he couldn’t tell which—and his pale green eyes were filled with misery and need. “Dios, you’re so fucking beautiful,” Paul whispered hoarsely.

“As are you—though I find myself concerned by your bruises.” Laurent brushed his cheek gently. “I could feel them beating you. I was so worried, so frightened but my father wouldn’t let me come to you until I had renounced my family name and title in front of the Council.” He smiled ruefully. “Then he couldn’t get rid of me fast enough— he ordered me thrown out into the sunlight to die.”

“Madre de Dios.” Paul stroked his hair, loving the way the wet curls felt against his fingers. “I’m so fucking sorry, babe. You gave up everything for me and I ruined it all.”

“Don’t.” Laurent turned his head and kissed Paul’s palm tenderly. “I regret nothing of our time together.”

“Which is over now, I guess.”

“Yes.” Laurent looked down.

“I guess it’s better this way,” Paul said roughly. “I mean, I guess our lifespans wouldn’t match up without the bond. You’d be eternally young and you’d be stuck watching me get old and die. That’s no fucking good.”