Still Obsessed

"What does Jax think about it?"

I stop in my tracks at the entrance to the kitchen. I haven't told Jax. It's been days and I have yet to tell him that I know that he can't buy the shares I inherited because I won't be keeping them.

"We haven't had a chance to talk about it yet."

"Why, dear?" She's pressing. I know she's doing it to give me an outlet to talk but I'm not sure I can. I don't know why I've avoided bringing it up. I don't know why I've allowed him to make love to me knowing that I'm holding such a big secret within. Part of it has to be that I'm certain that he'll want to talk about the timing and the reminder that Mark cheated on me now likely exists in the form of a child.

"It's very complicated," I offer. It's a weak excuse and we both know it.

"Secrets have no place in love." The words are soft and gentle.

"You're right." I tap her on the shoulder as I walk past her. "I'm going to go talk to Jax now."

She nods her head as she motions towards the door. "Hurry now. You need to tell him before you chicken out."

I laugh loudly as I step through the threshold and close her apartment door behind me.

***

"She's two?" I repeat back his words. "She's two-years-old?"

"Two, Ivy." Nathan holds up two fingers as if that's going to help me comprehend the fact that Mark's daughter is just two-years-old.

"I was just on my way to tell Jax about her." I motion towards our building which is less than a half a block away. "I don't know how I'm going to do this."

"He's not there." Nathan steers me out of the heavy pedestrian traffic in the middle of the sidewalk. "I was just there looking for you."

I pull on his wrist to glance at his watch. "It's after seven. He should be at home."

"It just gives you more time to plan out what you're going to say." He taps me on the nose. "You're doing the right thing."

"What's her name?" I've been dying to know the answer. I've been craving information about Mark's daughter since I found out she existed.

"Bailey." A gentle smile pulls at the corner of his mouth.

"Does her mother know about Mark… about his death?" I still struggle to say the words. "Has someone told her?"

"I'm not sure." He glances down at his watch. "I'm running late for something, Ivy."

"Go." I push him into the sidewalk. "I'm good." The truth was that I was happy to have some time to think before I threw all of this information at Jax.

Chapter 18

I'm out for dinner with an old friend. Don't wait up.

I stare at Jax's text message again. Why would he have to pick tonight of all nights to go out for dinner with a friend? Tonight is the night I want to tell him about Bailey. I want him to see that giving everything to that small girl was not only the right thing to do, it was the legally necessary thing to do.

Please come home soon. I need to talk to you.

I send the message knowing that it sounds pleading. I don't care. I have to get this out of the way now.

I walk into the kitchen to prepare something light to eat. I scan the refrigerator, looking at all the fresh fruit and vegetables Jax always keeps stocked there for me. I feel my stomach churn at the thought of eating anything right now. I'm too nervous. I feel way too much anxiety to even think about food at the moment. All I want is to talk to Jax so we can start putting all of this behind us.

I go back to the bedroom and scan my phone. Nothing from Jax. I lay down while I wait. My mind replaying my relationship with Mark over and over. When we were engaged he slept with someone and created another life. He had the child he always longed for and then he was taken from the world. I feel the sobs rush through me. It's the first time I've let myself feel any sorrow since I learned of his death. I tumble into the darkness of sleep, my body shaking from the sadness.

***

I feel his hands on my thighs as I drift back into the reality of the apartment. I glance at the clock near the bed. It's two in the morning.