Impulse - The Companion to Pulse (Pulse 4.50)

"He didn't." I lean forward too trying desperately to catch her gaze. "You're going to tell me more."

Her breathing stalls. I hear her swallow. "I'm going to tell you more?"

"You are," I say, trying not to sounds as completely impatient as I feel. "You're going to tell me exactly what he's holding over your head."

She pulls her fingers through her hair before settling them on her lap. "I can't do that." There's no defiance at all in her tone. It's a simple, stated fact.

"Why not?"

"I signed that agreement, Nathan." She tosses her legs over the side of the bed. "If I break it, he can sue me."

"I'm a fucking lawyer, Jessica." I pull on her arm stopping her in place. "You can tell me."

"I can't." She tries in vain to break free of my grasp. "I can't tell anyone."

I tug harder on her, willing her to turn and face me. "You know you can tell me. I understand the ramifications."

She only shakes her head from side-to-side with her back still turned to me. "He'll find out I told you."

"He can't." I push. "There's no fucking way he'll ever

know."

She jerks her arm free of my hand. "I'm not going to tell you. I can't risk it."

I don't register the words. They only hold one meaning to me. "You don't trust me."

"It's not that." Her back is to me. "It's not about you."

The words are empty. It's the actions that are screaming at me. "If you trusted me you would fucking tell me what that asshole is holding over your head."

"I'm not talking about this." She's on her feet reaching for her robe. "You can't make me talk about this."

I pull my hand across my brow in exaggerated frustration. "I shouldn't have to make you talk about anything, Jessica. Christ, I fucking love you. I want to help you. Can't you see that?"

"You're asking me to break a promise I made." Her voice cracks as she says the words. "I can't do that."

The unspoken reference to Thomas bites into me. Is she fucking serious? Did she just say that she can't break a promise to that douchebag? "You're worried about breaking a promise you made to that son-of –a-bitch?"

"Not him." She spins around on her heel, her hair catching on the side of her face. "To myself. I promised myself I wouldn't talk about it ever."

I know I should understand. I get that I'm supposed to be the more mature one based on the fact that I'm eight years older than she is, but I can't get there. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that the woman I would give anything to won't share this secret with me. "This is killing me inside, Jessica." I bolt to my feet now too. "You're shutting me out."

"Don’t make this about you." Her finger waves through the air at me. "You have secrets too."

I don't. I've laid myself bare before her. I've given her everything she's ever asked of me. I haven't held anything back. "You know everything about me, Jessica. Everything."

She shakes her head in frustration. "I don't. I don't know everything."

I'm not going to follow her down a road into the pit of my past indiscretions. I was a man whore before we met. I've admitted that. I did some stupid, reckless things when we were first together. I've owned up to all of that. I'm not going to let her drag my past back into this. "I'm not going to let you bring up my past again. It has nothing to do with this."

She freezes in place. Her eyes dart around the room. She's looking for an escape route, not in a physical sense, but an emotional one. She wants out. I see it in her expression. She wants this conversation to be over. "I can't do this right now," she whispers softly.

"I can't keep living in the dark." I reach for my own robe that I threw on a chair this morning. "I have been nothing but transparent with you, Jessica. You know everything about me. It's your turn to tell me what's going on."

"It's in the past." She takes a step towards the foot of the bed before she stops.

I move towards her. I don't want to crowd her but there's no way in hell I'm letting her out of this room. "You can trust me with anything." I need to sound as sure about this as I feel. I'm scared. I'm scared shitless that she's going to tell me something that will throw my heart out into orbit. I've never allowed myself the chance to love a woman before. This is new territory for me. I need her to trust in me, just as much as I trust in her.