Impulse - The Companion to Pulse (Pulse 4.50)

"You can't do this to yourself." I kiss the tip of her nose. "You made a decision at the time that was right for you." I mean the words. She was young and overwhelmed.

She nods but there's no conviction behind it at all. "I try not to think about her too much. I can't. It hurts." Her hand leaps to her chest.

"You can't think about it." I want to reassure her. I want her to believe that she did what was best for both her and her daughter.

She scans my eyes with her own. "I asked Thomas about her at the wedding."

"That's why he flipped out?" I run the pad of my thumb over her cheek. "What did you ask him?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "I just wanted to know what she was like. I asked if she was happy."

It's pure Jessica. It's natural that she'd asked. I can't imagine her not caring about a child she gave birth to. "What did he say?"

"He told me to mind my own fucking business."

My shoulders tense at the words. Thomas is such a fucked up piece of shit. "Why was he even there?"

"At Julie's wedding?"

I nod. "Does he even know your sister?"

She bites the edge of her bottom lip. "He knows her husband. There's some business connection there."

"I wish you would have told me about him that night, Jessica," I say softly. I don't want to sound like an asshole. She just confessed to having a child with another man and I'm riding her ass about not telling me about it. I can see how it's broken her.

"Do you remember when I found out about you and Cassandra?"

Cassie's name comes out of left field. I take a moment to register it. "When she brought you to my apartment?"

She pulls her hand across her face before it settles over my fingers. "No. It was later. It was the day you told me about how you dated her because of the twins."

I remember that conversation. When I met Cassandra I was looking to settle down. The fact that she had two toddlers was enough of a pull for me to give up having one night stands. I loved her kids. I spent hours just hanging out with them. If I could have forged a relationship with them, and left Cassie out of the equation, I would have done that. "Yes, I remember that."

"I almost told you about my daughter that day."

"Why didn't you?" I try to sound sympathetic and understanding. The truth is that I'm still reeling from the news that Jessica had a child. How have I loved her for this long and been completely unaware of that?

She etches an invisible line along my top lip with her finger. "You want to be a dad."

It's a statement that doesn't surprise me at all. It's true. I've been dropping hints for months about wanting to have a baby with Jessica. "I do want that."

"I thought that if I…well, I imagined…" she stammers.

"You thought that if you told me you gave up a child that I'd go looking for s

omeone else?" The notion behind the words is crueler than they sound. "Did you really believe that?"

"Drew." Her eyes fill with tears again. "I didn’t tell you because of what you said to Drew that day."

The conversation is flying around so many curves that I can barely keep up. "Drew? What are you talking about?"

"The night I saw you at the bar with him," she hesitates with a deep breath. "That night I punched him. You remember that night?"

I nod. How could I forget? I watched all five feet two inches of her deck a guy a foot taller than her. "I'll never forget that night."

"Neither will I." Her gaze is steady and measured. "That's the night you told Drew he was a horrible excuse for a parent because he abandoned his kids."

I can't think right now. I try to push my memory back to that night but I've blocked out most of it. I hurt Jessica so much that night. I ripped her heart out and threw it against the floor. It had taken months to get her to trust me again after that. There's no way in hell I can remember exactly what I said to Drew. "That wasn’t about you. That was about Drew."